Outer space is pretty cool, with all of its planets, stars, black holes, and probably aliens. Like I said, neat-o!
There’s also one more defining characteristic of space: microgravity. You know, when you float around, essentially weightless, like Kate Upton did in that zero-gravity machine:
Looks fun, right?
And you know what? If you say you've never wondered what sex would be like in space — just floating around in microgravity, having sex in the air — you're lying. Everyone wants to know what sex would be like in outer space.
Luckily, the folks at Gizmodo spoke with some actual astronauts to find out what it would be like, or if it's even possible, and honestly, it doesn't sound as fun as I had imagined.
So, here are 5 fun facts about sex in space, as told by actual astronauts who know a hell of a lot about space.
1. You won’t have any privacy.
Most of us like a little privacy in the sack, right? Some of us can hardly focus if their dog is in the room during sex, let alone another random person.
And guess what? According to former chief scientist at NASA’s Human Research Program, Mark Shelhamer, you definitely won’t have any privacy if you’re trying to smash in space.
“If SpaceX sends two people to the moon, it’s likely that there would be a third ‘professional’ astronaut with them,” he told Gizmodo, referring to SpaceX’s plan to shoot two really rich people up into space sometime next year.
So yeah, unless you want a professional astronaut watching you boink from the corner of the room, space sex might not be for you.
2. You'll float away each time you thrust.
Aside from the whole another-person-watching-you thing, there’s another problem about sex in space: you literally can’t, because each time you thrust, your lady friend would simply float away.
“The first challenge is simply the result of moving about in near-zero gravity: every push or thrust will propel the astronaut in the opposite direction,” says John Millis, chair of the department of physical sciences and engineering at Anderson University.
“Imagine a pair of ice skaters standing on fresh ice: if they were to push their hands against one another, they would each shoot backwards away from each other.”
I don’t know about you, but the more I think about this, the more I laugh.
3. It’s hard to get boners in space.
Even if you were to somehow strap yourself and the lady you’re hooking up with down to the bed so you don’t float away, you’d be faced with yet another, more fundamental problem.
Thanks to the laws of physics, microgravity makes it pretty difficult for a dude to get a boner in space, even if he was really turned on. So it’s like having whiskey dick, but because of gravity. Gravity dick, if you will.
“Due to the microgravity environment, the way that blood flows through the body changes. Here on Earth our blood pools more in our lower extremities, while the heart must work much harder to get blood to our brains. In space, blood doesn’t pool in a particular part of our body in the same way,” Millis says, suggesting your dick is basically brain dead out in space.
4. You won’t even be horny enough to want to have sex.
Apparently, the long duration of spaceflight causes astronauts’ testosterone levels to drop, and we all know that testosterone is the horny hormone, meaning that lower levels means a sad libido.
But you’re not alone, because apparently, microgravity also wreaks havoc on the female libido, too. Womp womp.
“I would conjecture that it would perhaps be more difficult for a female to become aroused in microgravity, though perhaps not as difficult as in the case of males,” says Millis.
5. Sex would be a sweaty disaster.
Here on earth, we sweat when we have sex, right? Right. But the sweat kinda evaporates, or drips down on the bed, so it’s a not too gross.
In space, however, it’s a different story. You’re still going to sweat, but because of microgravity, that sweat is going to form floating pools of grossness, and then you two are going to splash around in those floating pools of sweat. Doesn’t that sound erotic?
With those 5 things in mind, doesn't sex in space sound like a great time? No? Didn't think so. Disappointing, I know.