The Number of Middle-Aged Men With Sex Injuries Has Quadrupled In the Last 5 Years, Says New Study
We blame Viagra.
Very recently, we told you that a new study revealed that the most dangerous sex position ever is doggy style, due to the vulnerable situation it puts your manhood in, thereby making it easy for you to lose yourself in the moment and slam your fragile dick into her asscheek and totally snap your penis in half.
“In this position, the man exerts a lot of power into his thrusts, which can take a wrong turn if he is not diligent,” researchers said in the study, suggesting railing her from behind is risky business unless you’re really careful.
And now, in other unfortunate penis-related news, a leading osteopath says that the number of middle-aged dudes who fuck up their dicks and various other body parts during sex has increased fourfold in the past five years. Fourfold!!
Dr. Stephen Makinde, clinical director of the “Perfect Balance” clinic of osteopathy, says 80 percent of the non-sports related cases he treats are caused by sex stunts gone wrong, and include injuries like broken wrists, fractured ankles, spinal disc prolapses, and even hernias.
“It used to be that injuries associated with sexual activity used to account for a small percentage of the non-sporting cases we treated — around 20 percent. But in the last five years that’s now increased to around 80 percent.”
Daaamn. That’s a lot of sex injuries! I’m going to hypothesize that this spike is due to the fact that more men are experimenting with kinky sex and getting all sorts of freaky, and not because you’re all just getting progressively less coordinated.
The good doctor reveals that the main cause of these unfortunate injuries happen in the shower, where horny, aging dudes who have lost some of their nimble agility attempt to have some wet and wild fun with their wives, but instead crash and burn harder than a Windows computer.
Talk about a killer sex move, ha haaa.
But at least these men are being honest about the cause of their injuries instead of bullshitting the doctor, and saying something lame like “Oh, yeah, I was fixing the shingles on the roof when I lost my balance and ate shit.”
“I suspect that there’s a new willingness to admit the cause of the injury, rather than a patient simply lying and saying, ‘I did it doing DIY or fishing,'” he says.
I’d actually say it’s waaay more badass to say you broke your wrist pleasuring your wife, as opposed to anything else. I don’t know why anyone would lie about that.
“Honesty can make the difference between someone being treated for two or three weeks, or being treated just once or twice to completely resolve a condition,” says Dr. Makinde.
“It’s obviously a taboo area and people might find it hard being open about their private lives. But for us there’s no real difference between an ankle you’ve rolled over playing squash or an ankle you’ve rolled over in the bedroom.
“Just having an understanding of how you did it gives us a much better understanding of how to treat it and then rehab it properly. The work of physiotherapists, chiropractors, osteopaths, acupuncturists and massage therapists fail because they don’t have the full story.
“It’s only when there’s a full appreciation of the situation that a remedy can be found. That’s the secret, particularly in complex cases.”
Now, keep in mind that this “80 percent” bit is based on patients from one clinic, so take this info with a large grain of salt…but still, be careful if you’re having shower sex. Showers are wet, and wet surfaces tend to be slippery. Obviously.
H/T: Daily Mail