Have you ever been in the midst of thrusting inside a beautiful woman when you paused and thought “I wonder how many calories I’m burning right now?” I HOPE NOT BECAUSE C’MON, MAN, LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
I kid — sex is, after all, a physical activity. It’s totally fair to try and figure out how many calories you’re burning in nature’s Zumba class. (I'm grossed out by this euphemism too, and I just made it up!) Fortunately, BroBible has alerted us all to this interactive Sexercise calculator.
Just go to the site, enter in your weight and your partner’s weight, and you’ll be prompted to select a variety of sexual positions and the length of time you engage in each position during a sex session. I’ve got to hand it to them — it’s impressively comprehensive.
Below are some sample stats from the site, based on an intense 80-minute trip to the boneyard. I’d post my own results, but then the entire internet would know that my sexual MO is “put in as little effort as possible while attempting to get the most pleasure as possible from the situation.” You can get calorie counts for each position, equivalent exercises, and just how much food you’re burning off. Fun party fact: 80 minutes of intense boning equals 3.9 hot dogs. The more you know!
Also, a word to the wise: make sure that the weight box is set to pounds, not stones. One stone is 14 pounds, so during my first try on the site, my weight was multiplied by 14 and the algorithm assumed I was a giant having sex with another giant. That’s probably why it told me that I burned 450 calories simply from receiving oral sex. I’m going to continue to believe that, though, because it cancels out the calories in the hoagie I’m eating every time I get head.
Photos by B2M Productions / Getty Images