The Sexiest Things in America

We traveled from sea to sexy sea on a mission to find the most titillating people, places, and inanimate objects our great land has to offer.

We traveled from sea to sexy sea on a mission to find the most titillating people, places, and inanimate objects our great land has to offer…starting with our host, this year’s Hometown Hotties champion, Dominique Storelli. Let hotness ring!

Sexiest Beach: South Beach, FL 

Paris Hilton, Amber Rose, and model Rosie Jones (above) have hit SoBe to tan and frolic and occasionally to forget to wear a top.

Sexiest Strip Club: Safari Showclub, Portland, OR

The dancers skinny-dip, and there are piranha fish tanks. In other words, book your ticket now.

Sexiest Ice Cream Truck: Aphrodisiac Ice Cream, Miami, FL

The girls are hot, the ice cream is cold, and they serve late into the night. Find their current location on their Twitter page: @aphrodisiacice.

Sexiest Financial Reporter: Jenna Lee

This foxy Fox News Channel anchor is smart, sexy, and knows exactly when you should divest your 401(k).

Sexiest Band:  The Pierces

Alabama-bred sisters Allison and Catherine Pierce’s fierce folk pop is tailor made to be the soundtrack of your next sex session.

Sexiest Place of Worship: Winners Church, Queens, NY

Pastor Maurice Johnson preaches on keeping marriage alive by boning a lot…and then asks his congregants to make out. Oh, Lord.

Sexiest Two-Wheeler: Sperm Bike, Seattle, WA

Only in the weird-ass Pacific Northwest would someone combine the greenness of a bicycle with the grossness of a sperm bank.

Sexiest Idol as an Idol: Katharine Mc­Phee as Marilyn Monroe

You never thought you’d watch a show about Broadway…till this former American Idol finalist came jazz-handing along on Smash!

Sexiest Rock Formation: Arches National Park, UT

You’d have to be a real cock not to see what these sandstone rock formations resemble.

Sexiest Athlete: Lindsey Vonn

A gold-medal-winning skier, this Minnesota-born speed demon is recently single. What we wouldn’t give to be trapped on a ski lift with her for a few hours.

Sexiest Sculpture of Teen Idols: Justin and Selena as One

Connecticut-based artist Daniel Edwards has immortalized North America’s cutest young couple. It’s the creepiest use of bronze since where we stuck that penny in second grade.

Sexiest Karaoke: Sardo’s Grill & Lounge, Burbank, CA

It has 20,000 songs to choose from, but porn stars performing every Thursday night are the real draw of this Valley hot spot. Aural sex!

Sexiest Town: Austin, TX

Based on birth rate, sale of sex toys and condoms, and STDs, the dirtiest place to be is deep in the heart of Texas. Everything is big there, even the chlamydia!

Sexiest Import: Malin Akerman 

This Swedish-born babe stars as a hot hippie in this month’s Wanderlust. Thank God for immigrants! 

Sexiest Canyon: Runyon Canyon, Los Angeles, CA

All the hottest celebs and models go here to “exercise-walk their dogs” (in other words, get their photos taken by the paparazzi).

Sexiest Bar: Eye Candy, Costa Mesa, CA

Every single bartender in this Orange County oasis is a beautiful woman in a bikini. Make ours a double!

Sexiest Street: Gooch Lane, Williamsburg, VA

Students at the College of William & Mary can’t help but snicker when they stroll this street!

Sexiest Coffee Shop: Cowgirls Espresso, Seattle, WA

Seattle makes up for foisting Starbucks on the world with this chain featuring bikini-clad baristas.

Sexiest Model: Ashley Smith

The Texas-born beauty is proof that down-home American craftsmanship really is the best.

Sexiest College: Louisiana State University, LA 

Take a road trip down to Baton Rouge, where football is king, gumbo abounds, and the student bodies are magna cum hotties.

Sexiest Car: 2012 Ford Mustang GT Convertible (pictured)

The Mustang = American muscle, and this 412 hp beast is the smoothest of all time. Do the math.

Sexiest Girl Next Door: Dominique Storelli

Thousands of  women entered, and when all your votes were tallied, she stood alone as the ultimate Hometown Hottie. All hail Dominique! Check out her March cover gallery.