We at Maxim are vehemently in favor of the 'Free the Nipple' movement. We supported Chrissy Teigen in her crusade against Instagram’s policies, applauded Naomi Campbell when she threw up her topless photo, and want to order these TaTa tops in bulk. My business card even says “Senior Boobs Editor” (because I wrote “Boobs” on it). Opposing nipple-baring is puritanical along with being illogical — what difference does a hint of nipple make when showing the rest of the breast is fair game?
Unfortunately, Springfield, Missouri came up with a very harsh answer to that question. Broadly is reporting that they banned the baring of sideboob, underboob, and, to add insult to injury, butts too.
Yes, reader. One town in America has banned butts. (Side note: I’ve already scrawled “Million-dollar screenplay idea: Buttloose — Footloose,about butts” on a Post-It Note, so if any producers are reading this post, hit ya girl up.)
According to the Springfield News-Leader, the City Council voted 5-4 that "women are now required to cover a greater percentage of their breasts in public, and both sexes must cover 100 percent of their buttocks.” However, a provision that attempted to ban "the showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state” was removed from the final law. In layman’s terms that means, dudes, you can still walk around with an uncomfortable boner (BUT ONLY IF YOUR BUTT IS COVERED). Councilman Justin Burnett says the purpose of this law is "protecting women and minors from exploitation.”
Let’s go over this together. Boners: okay for women and minors to look at. Boobs and butts: not okay for anyone to look at. Big hard dick showing awkwardly through khaki pants, prompting dozens of “is that a banana in your pocket” jokes: totally legal, bro. The body part which literally nourishes babies: illegal.
Here’s a painfully awkward video that lays out the indecent exposure laws. Poor mannequin.
The new legislation was inspired by Free the Nipple rallies organized by 18-year-old Alyssa Berrer. Activists aren’t backing down — Broadly is reporting that there’s going to be another Free the Nipple Rally regardless on November 6th.
Anyways, there’s your daily dose of moral panic and absurdity. As for me, I’m off to send a photocopy of my butt to the Springfield City Council.