The Stalker’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

You probably won’t get the girl, but you will get to go to prison, so…

You probably won’t get the girl, but you will get to go to prison, so…


This Wi-Fi video monitoring system allows you to discretely keep tabs on that special someone from afar. Whether you’re at home and simply curious about what she’s doing at any given time, or using your smartphone to monitor her during a high-speed chase with police, rest assured knowing you’ll always have eyes on her. That said, it’s up to you to figure out how to get this thing embedded in the ceiling above her bed without her noticing.

Vivitar XVN-1 Camcorder

No stalker’s repertoire would be complete without a solid video recording device, and the new Vivitar XVN-1 is an ultra-thin, ultra-light 1080P HD camcorder that boasts a 3″ LCD touch screen and a dual stream recording feature. Best of all, it’s no larger than a flip-phone and comes in an array of non-threatening colors. A great way to capture all those special moments while you’re hiding in the dumpster behind her house.

Mosaic Photobook

If only there was a convenient way to organize all the photos you stole from her Facebook page into one convenient, easy-to-build photo album right from your iPhone. There is! The Mosaic app is a free download, and is the easiest way to gather those moments into a beautiful photo book that will serve as state’s evidence a permanent record of the good old days, before that pesky restraining order. For extra credit, Photoshop yourself into the photos; it’ll likely help with your insanity defense later.

Ghost Rider GPS Tracker

Sure, the Dropcam is a great way to monitor what happens behind locked doors, but what about keeping track of your special lady when she’s on the move? Sometimes, tailing her all over town isn’t an option—after all, a guy’s gotta eat/see his parole officer, amirite?—and this portable GPS tracker is perfect for those occasions. Stick it in her car or in the secret pocket of her purse, and you’ll never have to wonder where she is again. The best part is that you can rent the Ghost Rider on a month-to-month basis, which means you can return it before you go to prison.

Frends Headphones

What’s the point of devoting all your time to doing that super creepy nightly podcast about the object of your affection if she can’t listen to it in style? These super sleek, made-for-women headphones by Frends will get the job done, and as an added bonus, the sound quality is so good that she probably won’t even hear you sneak up behind her.

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