Statistically Speaking, Everyone Working from Home in New York is Doing Exactly What You Think
So long as you think they’re having sex.
Put a man and woman in a confined space together for a long enough amount of time and you’ll end up with a smaller human on your hands. It’s math and the only part of that equation that can be changed is the amount of time. Sometimes it doesn’t take that long at all. Sometimes just a a night or two snowed in by Winter Storm Juno leads to a whole recruiting class worth of babies. The term of art statisticians use for what happens during major storms is “Blizzard booms,” which is a delicate way of saying people get down. Last night, for instance, men and women in the northeast flocked to the Internet, looking for a hookup that could sustain them through the cold, snowy eve.
“I hear there’s going to be snow tomorrow…. so let’s make a little heat of our own,” wrote one woman on Craigslist, adding that there would be extra points for prospective suitors if they looked like a lumberjack. Another woman looking for love posted: “Single girl with high body temperature (not sickly, just always warm) seeking boy to help to cool her down. Can provide passwords to all streaming services and ample amounts of wine and popcorn. Must have internet connection and be into cuddling.”
So did anyone find true love during the holidays? While most consummated dates have already been taken down off Craigslist, past is prelude. A 2007 study by the University of Texas and Johns Hopkins found that sever weather events had “positive and significant” effect on fertility. Exactly nine months after the massive blizzard of ’78, hospitals in Boston began to become flooded with new mothers. “It’s been a little crazy in here,” Cathie Beatty, then a brand new mother in Weymouth, Massachusetts told UPI. She had to share the hospital room with two other new mothers, as the hospital saw an increase in births by over fifteen percent.
“There’s definitely an uptick,” Jacques Moritz, a doctor at St Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center told The New York Times, almost nine months after Hurricane Sandy. “This is just old basic physiology. There’s no Internet and no cable. What else is there to do?”
Even during truly catastrophic events, love finds a way. Following Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans hospitals found themselves filled with expectant mothers nine months after the floods.
“Honestly, with the electricity and cable being out, one thing led to another. We have this bundle of joy,” Ralph Tankersley, a new father at the time, told ABC News.
We’ve reached out to Tinder to see if they saw a spike in new users or activity during the storm, and will update when they get back to us. They seem to be really busy for some reason.
In the meanwhile, if you’re not looking for a bouncing bundle of joy in nine months, remember to stock up on condoms or other birth control methods before the next storm hits. Or – if you’re just looking for some company to keep you warm – the Internet is filled with other snowbound humans, all looking for a little love on a cold, cold night.
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