Three Almost-Convincing Excuses For Having An STD

Because there’s no way you’re going to admit to cheating, right?

If you’re frantically Googling “ways to contract STDs besides sex” before your significant other comes home, and you’ve stumbled across this article, fear not! We’ve done our research and it turns out there are three perfectly valid (kinda) ways you can contract an STD without having cheated. That’s right! There really are a few rare, unlikely instances of getting the clap besides drunkenly humping your ex.  

So you’ve got: Herpes

Either your mouth, genitals, or both, boast inflamed papules and vesicles. These fat, puss-filled blisters will rear their angry, repulsive heads every so often to burn, itch, and pull all the attention away from your pretty little face/genitals.

How you probably caught it: Near-blackout, you were idling around in the bathroom of a bar you’d never been to before when a little hole in the stall caught your eye. “This is something I’ve seen on the Internet!” your semi-conscious brain thinks as you enter the hole like an old man’s arm through a Walmart blood pressure monitor. Two to fourteen days later and boom – those definitely aren’t the usual pulsing, burning red spots surrounding your coin pouch.

The almost-believable excuse: Though extremely rare, it is possible to contract herpes from sharing a towel. The Palo Alto Medical Foundation asserts that, though the herpes virus cannot survive very long outside the body, it will still survive in damp environments a little longer. So about a week back, maybe you decided to try out going to the gym with a few coworkers over lunch. It was alright, but you worked up a pretty good sweat and everyone decided to take a shower before getting back to work. Of course, you didn’t bring a towel, but luckily Chad from accounting brought his. You didn’t know him too great, but hey, he seemed like a pretty nice guy. Chad’s towel was a little thin, damp, and had some holes, but it got the job done as you aggressively rubbed your face and other areas that specifically require toweling (the other areas can get away with air-drying). As it turned out, Chad was the little slut you always quietly assumed he was, and now you’re condemned to a life of condoms, lip balm, and saying, “I got it from sharing a straw, I think.”

So you’ve got: Crabs

Pubic lice are parasitic insects that infest the forest of your pubic hair. That everyday, maintenance ball-itch turns into a perennial, petulant, maddening itch. Why? Because your skin has become hypersensitive to the louse saliva left behind by the infestation of parasites living above your member and sucking on your blood. They can leave grey-blue discolorations at the feeding sight, which can last for days as the itching grows worse. The nits or lice may grow so fat feeding off your body that they become visible to the eye, crawling all over, eating at your skin. Feeling itchy now, huh? Us too (we have crabs).  

How you probably caught it: You wandered back to a girl’s kind-of-messy apartment and things started getting hot. Her bed was covered in laundry so things moved to the couch that was… patchy. But she was a hippie, creative type who “couldn’t bare the thought of wasting clean water on her body.” And, you know, that really turned you on at 4AM when you were high off your ass… until a healthy colony of lice manned the boner strait from her pubes to yours. Turns out, you weren’t the only sexual parasite she was hosting that night.

The almost-believable excuse: The skin and hair decorating your erogenous zone is no different than the skin and hair decorating your eyelashes or, say, arms. Pubic lice can survive for 48 hours without human blood, they love dank, cramped spaces, and, like the rest of the lice family, love hopping from one host to another. So flash back to when you first made eye contact with that filthy, not-at-all strangely arousing hippy: She came on to you, hard, probably too poor to buy a drink for herself, but you wanted nothing to do with this filthy mongrel who smelt like she hadn’t showered in weeks. So you politely declined and shook the surprisingly hairy hand drooping out of her ragged hoodie before escaping to the men’s room. And in that instant of human contact, an entire colony of crabs jumped ship and headed straight for your joy department.

So you’ve got: Chlamydia

Your pee feels like a thousand razors shredding your insides into the toilet, there’s a milky, thick discharge… discharging, and your balls are sore and swollen. You might even have a fever.

How you probably caught it: You shouldn’t have even talked to Rita the retired clown in the first place, let alone taken the bus, train, and boat to get to her trailer – but she needed a friend, even if it was a stranger. You figured you’d just do this one thing, be in and out, and give Rita one more reason to believe in humanity. No one would ever have to know, right? Well, three weeks later and you’re pissing fire and your sac looks, and feels, like a pair of racquetballs. Looks like you’re going to have to make up a story of being taken advantage of by a scheming cheerleader while you were passed out drunk again…    

The almost-believable excuse: UNLESS RITA WAS A KOALA. Yep, there are two strains of chlamydia: Chlamydia pecorum and Chlamydia pneumonia, and those poor, lazy koalas have both. Chlamydia pecorum has infected 50% of Queensland’s koalas, causing a wide range of devastating health problems. The c. pneumonia strain is less common, but it can jump from species to species – like from koala to you. So you weren’t nakedly shouldering your way through a hallway of oversized clown shoes and spinning bowties – you were at the zoo, holding a cute, cuddly koala bear. Sure, the c. pneumonia strain is more of a respiratory infection and less of a genital-aflame infection, but the common folk don’t have to know that. Just tell them that little shit-whore koala pissed all over you, and now you have chlamydia. And if she believes that, marry her. Immediately.

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