The Top 5 Hotels to Distract Your Needy Girlfriend (or Wife)
Destinations destined to support the Occupy Girlfriend movement.
Couples getawayscan be great. But they can feel more like a job if you’re bringing your significant other along. No judgment here: We understand you love her, but a few hours of peace and quiet will allow you to fully soak up your vacation’s relaxing benefits. Check out our top 5 hotels for distracting her once the jet lag and thrill of free Bibles wears off.
The Hotel: Atlantis Paradise Island Resort; Bahamas
The Girlfriend: The Shopaholic
Why It’ll Distract Her: If your girl is a fashionista? (If you know that word, then she is.) You’re guaranteed some alone time at the Atlantis. The Caribbean resort has over 100 shops; everything from generic gift stores to high-end designer shops like Salvatore Ferragamo and Bvlgari, which we just learned is not pronounced Bvvvgarry.
Alone Time Earned: We’d say at least three hours. If you lend her your credit card for the afternoon, that grants you two more (and probably some debt, too). Use your alone time to win that money back at the elaborate casino.
The Girlfriend: Directionally Challenged
Why It’ll Distract Her: The largest resort in Hawaii at 22 acres, the Hilton is a veritable city, with five towers, five pools, 20 bars and restaurants, 90 shops, and a separate lagoon. The crowds can get big and the lines long, which is perfect for slipping away. You may fight over directions in the car, but this is where your girlfriend’s inability to navigate works to your benefit. Meanwhile, she’ll be wandering the vast resort finding things of her own to do. (Better hope it’s not some random surfer named Seashell McHugeSchlong.)
Alone Time Earned: About an hour and a half. Take advantage of the time and go for a dip or snorkel in the beach’s clear, calm waters. Think she’ll find you in this crowd? Not a chance.
The Hotel: Conrad Hotel; Miami, FL
The Girlfriend: Little Miss Stressed
Why It’ll Distract Her: The Conrad Hotel features a large, beautiful spa on the 24th floor. If your girlfriend likes to be spoiled (or if she’s just super-stressed–and she probably is since she’s dating you), send her to the spa where she can indulge in everything from massages to “chocolate and champagne” mani/pedis.
Alone Time Earned: Depends on the treatment. If you treat her to the basic Swedish massage, it’ll give you less than an hour. Splurge on the Spa Day Package, and you’ll get a full four and a half hours all to yourself. Fit in a round of tennis with the pro before settling in with a quality read at the rooftop pool.
The Hotel: Venetian Resort Hotel Casino; Las Vegas, NV
The Girlfriend: Gold Digger
Why It’ll Distract Her: People who love money (and the thrill of gambling for it) swarm to Vegas for the casinos. And everyone knows that once you’re in one, you could be there for hours. The Venetian casino boasts endless rows of slots machines, marble floors, frescoed ceilings, and a busy room dedicated to poker. Drop your girlfriend off at a blackjack table and who knows when you’ll see her next.
Alone Time Earned: Indefinite. If she’s winning, she’ll be on a high and will never want to stop. If she’s losing, she’ll be desperately trying to win back her money and break even, or she’ll try to woo a whale. Use this time to explore the grandeur of the hotel. Take a gondola ride, check out Madame Tussauds, or test your skills on rock-climbing wall; the Venetian is your oyster. [Ed. note: Sorry, we couldn’t help ourselves.]
The Hotel: Canyon Ranch; Tucson, AZ
The Girlfriend: Super Fit
Why It’ll Distract Her: If your girlfriend’s the active type, she’ll love the Canyon Ranch in Tucson and will get totally caught up in its many offerings; each day there are over 40 programs, activities, and fitness classes (like yoga and cycling) aimed at helping guests maintain a healthy lifestyle. Guests can enjoy outdoor activities such as tennis, racquetball, and guided hikes as well.
Alone Time Earned: Two hours. While she’s off on a nature hike (convince her that you won’t be able to keep up — her active side will defeat her romantic side and she’ll leave you behind), work on your swing at the indoor driving range, test your balance at the super-cool ropes course, or head to the spa — pampering isn’t just for them, guys. But the women’s bathroom, apparently, is.