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Here Are The Top 10 Dealbreakers When You Bring a Woman Back To Your Place - Maxim

Here Are The Top 10 Dealbreakers When You Bring a Woman Back To Your Place

Cleanliness is key, gentlemen.
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(Photo: Getty)

(Photo: Getty)

Hello, my dear friends. Today we will discuss the importance of keeping your home clean and tidy, because believe it or not, there are certain things that a woman may encounter in your man cave that will make her spin on her heels and walk her fine ass right out of there.

That’s right; I’m talking about deal breakers in a home. Just as there are deal breakers about a person, there are also deal breakers about your house, and it’s high time we talk about them.

Thanks to a new survey of over 2,000 people by Wayfair, an online home decor retailer, we now know the top ten deal breakers in a home, that you should definitely pay attention to. Let’s get started, shall we?

(Source: Wayfair)

(Source: Wayfair)

The number one deal breaker for women is a smelly home, followed by a grimy bathroom, which go hand-in-hand, anyway. If your bathroom is grimy, your home will probably smell, and if your home smells, it’s a good indicator that your bathroom is probably covered in pubes and piss. Let’s not forget that women sit down to pee, and they would rather not hover-pee at your house. Speaking from experience here.

Next on the list of deal breakers is bad plumbing, which again, goes together with having a grimy bathroom. And trust us when we say, your girl definitely does not want to use a bathroom that’s covered in pubes and piss, and is clogged with your hefty turds that have been soaking in the toilet bowl for hours. Again, speaking from experience.

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Having dingy or unfresh sheets takes the number four spot on the list of top deal breakers, because no self-respecting woman wants to have sex and then sleep on month-old bedding where your farts are literally baked into the comforter, and many nights of nocturnal swamp ass have left a permanent stain on the sheets. Gross.

Next on the list is having an excessive amount of dirty laundry, which is definitely a turn off, because it probably means you wear the same pair of socks three days in a row and flip your underwear inside out and wear it again because you just don’t feel like doing laundry. Please, do your laundry. Wash your sheets while you’re at it.

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Having no air conditioning when it’s hot out, and/or no heat in the winter is the number six deal breaker. Because no, sex isn’t fun when her teeth are chattering, and no, it’s also not fun when you both are sweating profusely and your sticky, funky-smelling bodies are slapping together in a sweltering bedroom.

Number seven is having poorly behaved pets, considering it’s not very welcoming if your cat hisses at her the second she walks through the door, or if your dog drags his ass on the carpet or aggressively humps her leg when you’re trying to Netflix and chill.

"Sparky, no! Bad dog!"

"Sparky, no! Bad dog!"

You know what else turns women off? When things are getting hot and heavy, and all of a sudden, surprise! Your roommate flings your door open, asking for something that can definitely wait until after you’re done boinking. Or worse yet, your parent. That’s why a lack of privacy is number eight on the list of deal breakers, because you’re not in a college dorm anymore.

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Interestingly, next on the list is “ugly or inappropriate artwork.” Wait, what? How dare she find that neon sign that says “LIVE NUDES” tacky? Damn, girl. Get your eyes checked. Just kidding. It is tacky. 

Topping off the top ten deal breakers in a home is ripped or damaged upholstery, because yes, it is an unforgivable offense if it looks like you got your couch from the city dump after a hobo slept on it for six years.

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Wow, what an exhaustive list. Now that we know this crucial information, let’s all take care to keep our homes clean, our heating and cooling systems working properly, and our pets in check. Thank you.