The Truth About Dating Apps
Our man goes through the looking glass of dating apps and finds it ain’t no wonderland.
When I was 13, I roamed AOL chat rooms. Wielding the time-honored ASL (age/sex/location) conversation starter, I became Jacob from Cleveland, blessed with a fluctuating age and generously fake pictures of my face and other features. It was creepy, dangerousâŚand easier than talking to real girls. For three weeks, I even had an Internet girlfriend named Sara, who, in hindsight, couldâve been a 63-year-old gardener named Reginald.Â
The proliferation of dating apps on our phones has theoretically expanded the romance pool, increasing opportunities to make connections and find true love. Having used Tinder in the past, I recently went undercover on Carrot Dating and Whisper only to find that nothing has changed, except perhaps that I am now on the other side of the deception, and even less successful in my search for a soul mate.
Carrot Dating is no longer available in Appleâs App Store, and Iâm pretty sure thatâs because itâs basically high-tech prostitution, wherein you bribe women with shoes, a Keurig, even a puppyâas if PETA doesnât have enough to worry aboutâso theyâll go out with you. When someone accepts your bribe, a conversation is initiated. Conversations cost money ($2 to $3 each, depending on your purchase plan). Youâre paying founder Brandon Wade so you can buy someone a tattoo or go skydiving with a gold digger.
Leigh, 25, suggested lunch and shopping. When I told her we could play shopping by ear, her response was classic Carrot Dating: âWhyyy lol.â She coyly asked if Iâd reimburse her for her time at our meal. Still refusing to accept reality, I promised her dinner. Leigh replied, âAnd shopping? :-)â âš:-(.Â
Supposedly not just for the rich and lonely, Carrot Dating provides ample opportunity for men looking to waste money on women (or men) devoid of personality or self-respect. Iâd rather jump out of a plane with no parachute.
While I got only two nibbles on the proverbial carrot, I couldnât shut Whisper up. This free app is where millions of users reportedly go to share their secrets. You post personal insights and an accompanying picture, and fellow users âheartâ your Whisper, reply publicly, or message you. Within moments, I was learning peopleâs deepest, darkest intimacies:
âMy ex recorded me during sex once and used the audio in a dubstep remix.âÂ
âIâve been faking a British accent ever since I got to college three years ago.â
âI write letters to my future children.â
âThis app is impossibly dumb. If this is the future, Iâll take my chances with cholera and paper books.âÂ
Itâs simple, shamefully addictive, and almost too easy to use. While Whisper has the potential to start worthwhile conversation (âIf you could ask your future self one question, what would you ask?â), itâs primarily a bulletin board of come-ons (âI want a chubby girl right nowâ) and teen angst. Within a day, Iâd arranged several promising dates (âI miss having a geeky guy to crush onâ). But none materialized, because Whisper is all about immediacy. Itâs sexual gratification on demand. People are alone, hard up, and want someone, something, now. Sex is the subtext.Â
Rebecca, 22, posted a tasteful selfie (an oxymoron) and Whispered that she wanted to hang out. Once we both felt relatively assured the other wasnât deranged, we agreed on a movie. After Iâd introduced myself to the wrong girl only once (apparently L.A. is full of petite brunettes), we met, and it was the most awkward âdateâ Iâve ever been on. Rebecca was nice enough, but we had little in common other than having nothing better to do on a Friday night. The movie got out at 1 a.m., and Rebecca suggested a drink. Thatâs when her dad called; turns out her parents had imposed a midnight curfew. Iâve never been more grateful for an overbearing father.
I emerged from this experiment skeeved out and without a soul mate. The more genuine I tried to be, the more creepy I came across. All these years later, the same desires keep driving us, while we hope that new technology will finally provide shortcuts to a real connection. I had become Reginald.
Photos by Matthew Woodson
