Want to Have an Extramarital Affair?

All you need is 36 hours, an internet connection, and a dream. Happy Valentine’s Day!

All you need is 36 hours, an internet connection, and a dream. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, good news! According to new data compiled by extra-marital matchmaking website Ashley Madison and shared exclusively with Maxim.com, the average affair takes only 36 hours or less to execute, from inception to, um, hopefully not conception.

You could look at the above infographic, but here’s a summary of the key observations:

—The majority of would-be adulterers favor early weekday mornings to begin their search for a lover, signing up online between 8:30 and 10:00am.

—They then use their lunch hour (between 12pm and 2pm) to search for the ultimate affair partner.

—Peak chatting time typically takes place at 10pm, when both spouses are at home spending quality alone time in separate rooms.

—The chat sessions lead to meeting in person the following day, typically between 5:00pm and 8:00pm.

According to Noel Biderman, the site’s founder and CEO, none of this should come as any surprise. “Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, stepping outside of your marriage has become as convenient as ordering food delivery or downloading songs on iTunes.” See, guys? It’s no big deal! It’s like ordering pizza! Or listening to Mumford & Sons! Or having a fucking affair!

While this might be an accurate depiction of how most affairs play out among Ashley Madison’s users, it also serves as a reminder of why we would be no good at adultery—especially on such an accelerated timeline. On an average day, it takes us roughly 36 hours just to remember what day it is, which, as you can imagine, is really problematic in and of itself. So, starting with the part about “early weekday mornings,” this already sounds like a lot of work.

Also, if you know any married people who pass their evenings spending “quality alone time in separate rooms,” please send us more information, because that’s not something we’re familiar with.

For the sake of argument, suppose for a moment that we did manage to get up before dawn and do all this other shit. What about the guilt? Christ, we feel bad enough when we cheat on booze with food, let alone cheating on our spouses in such a calculated way. Keeping a secret like that would be positively crippling.

Like, almost as crippling as being faithful.

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