As we all know, sex can get weird. Really, really weird. I’m talking testicle clamps and hot wax. Bizarre fetishes like sitting on a frosted cake with your bare ass, or falling down a flight of stairs. Eating lo mein off your partner’s naughty bits. Things like that.
And since people get pretty freaky during sex, obviously there are going to be some horror stories, and lucky for us, FHM found the ultimate jackpot of cringeworthy sex stories on reddit, so that we can all read them and feel uncomfortable. Mind you, they’re more than cringeworthy – they’re utterly revolting.
1. "My most recent ex wanted to incorporate food and sex. She took a huge glob of her organic almond peanut butter on my dick and began to blow me. The grainy texture felt like sandpaper and it ended up looking like I had diarrhea all over my dick and she was eating it. Had to pull the plug on the act and wash off. Never incorporated food again."
2. "I was laying between a guys legs sucking his dick. I decided to start sucking on his balls, and once I got them both in my mouth my chin was pressed up against his taint and maybe his asshole. I started smelling the grossest dirty shit ass smell imaginable. I didn't want to be rude so I kept going.
"Well, on the ride home I kept smelling the nasty smell. I get home and go look in the mirror and I've literally got a little shit streak on my damn chin. He didn't say anything just stared me straight in my shitty face and kissed me goodbye."
3. "So I start working out of town. And I find an RV park that rents out a nice big camper for cheap. 2nd week there and I meet this chick off Tinder. We meet up, have dinner, and way too much to drink. Really not bad for a Tinder date.
"I take her back to the camper and start our thing. A few minutes into it I smell shit. It keeps getting worse. I start wondering if I sharted or something. So I power through it and go to the bathroom after. Minor butt sweat and that's it. I figure I must've just farted really badly and pass out.
"I wake up still drunk and go to work the next day. The couple that owned the camper had brought over a heater and put it in while I was at work. They waited for me to get there to see if I was ok since there was blood and shit all over the bed. I mean, there was clearly the silhouette of ass cheeks on the mattress. Like an ass stamp dipped in blood and poop. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life."
4. "I woke up in the middle of the night after sex to the girl fingering herself to orgasm while sucking my armpit hair."
5. "I already had a stomach ache but I sucked his dick anyway. I was planning on not swallowing but this piece of shit held my head down and his cum shot at my uvula, and on top of it his cum tasted like rotting garbage. I have a terrible gag reflex as well which made the situation worse. So I got up ran to the sink and threw up. Moral of the story don't eat KFC and then suck dick."
6. "I was 15 on a student-exchange to Germany at the time and was experimenting a lot. I thought I'd use a cucumber to make not only a self-lubed dick-sleeve (not a nice phrase) but the inside would make an improvised dildo. I used some lotion or something as extra lube (because you can never have enough lube).
"The problem was that my skin didn't like the lotion-lube. My entire dick, balls and asshole (not to mention the insides) were on fire for days. I was on a student-exchange to Germany at the time. Walking around concentration camps with a burning asshole really took me out of the experience. The people I was staying with thought I was getting really emotional."
7. "I made my first girlfriend gush somehow from going down on her and from what subsequent docs have told me, it ruptured an infected sac deep inside her causing her to gush infected female ejaculate. For those unaware it has the same color, taste and texture as guacamole and I still can't eat the stuff now 15 years later."