Nothing ruins a romantic moment quite like the word "vagina.” Fortunately, there are many, many alternative terms out there that can be deployed to better – in most cases - effect. You’ve got to know your audience to know which phrase to use, but there are a few hard and fast rules. For instance, never ask to “pet her kitty” if she does not, in fact, own a cat.
In an attempt to help you become a more cunning linguist (sorry), we’ve curated a list of euphemisms you can choose from. A word of warning: She’ll probably hate whichever one you choose.
Pro: While sounding a little redneck, the term cooter is cute and safe enough to use around children.
Con: As the middle school rhyme goes, “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you’ve got a cootie shot! Circle, circle, square, square, now you’ve got them everywhere!” Literally no one wants to associate childhood nightmares and cootie germs with a vagina. Additionally, the term “cooter” or “coot” is also used in the deep South to refer to an old crazy man, which isn’t a turn on.
Used in Context: “I think I popped my cooter bone out!” – Lindsay Lohan, SN
Pro: Considered a fine delicacy.
Con: Clams are slimy and smell like the ocean. No woman will get turned on hearing her vagina referred to as a sea dwelling creature.
Used in Context:“Well I hope you’re ready for me, Tits. Because I’m going to rock out with my cock out and you’re going to jam out with your clam out.” – Neil Patrick Harris, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
Pro: Beavers are non-threatening, cute animals that know how to multitask.
Con: Beavers are also known for nibbling on/eating/destroying wood – not necessarily the most sexy or welcoming association.
Used in Context: "Two beavers are better than one, they’re twice the fun. Ask anyone!” - The Beaver Song, How I Met Your Mother
Pro: It means the same thing in every language. Google it.
Con: Rhymes with “ooze” and therefore sounds viscerally disgusting, making the person using the word sound extremely crass.
Used in Context:“Everybody knows you been the biggest fuckin’ cooze hound around the last four or five years. Your mid-life crisis. You’d fuck a catcher’s mitt.” -Christopher, The Sopranos
Pro: It’s playful and displays a sense of not taking oneself too seriously. It’s also the biggest O’s nickname of choice for her lady parts and, as we know, Oprah is always right.
Con: If you are a dude and you say “vajayjay” out loud, you are telling everybody in the room that you’re a virgin.
Used in Context:“My va-jay-jay is painin’” –Oprah
Pro: Traditionally, a muff is a fashion accessory made of fur into which the hands are placed for warmth, and that is nice.
Con: Muff also has a sort of retro connotation, leading someone to believe it looks like 1976 down there. (But hey, to each their own.)
Used in Context:“You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff-diving.” - Taj, Van Wilder
C. U. Next. Tuesday.
Pro: You can discreetly talk dirty or even insult someone while giving the impression that you are looking forward to seeing them next week.
Con: Not a great choice during sex. Can lead to coitus interrupts (if it’s not very late on a Monday).
Used in Context:“Is it so much to ask that you not wear your dress up around your see-you-next-Tuesday?” -Charlotte, Sex & the City
Pro: “Trim” is often used to describe one who is slender, fit or clean-shaven and well groomed, all nice associations to have with a vagina.
Con: If said in the bedroom, she may think you’re telling her she needs a trim down there, and that will for sure get you slapped across the face. Remember the context if you choose this one, gents.
Used in Context:“Yo, I heard there’s going to be mad trim at that party this weekend.” -Professional Frat Boy
Pro: The top-of-mind expression for vagina. Rolls off the tongue easily (pun kinda intended) and has been used for centuries.
Con: “Pussy” is also used to refer to someone that is weak – and vaginas are not weak. Vaginas provide the world with the miracle of life. Without vaginas, there is no you and there is no me. Let’s not speak ill of important orifices.
Used in Context: Pu$$y – Iggy Azalea
Pro: Men love athletics and a popular form of Olympic lifting includes “the snatch” where the lifter takes the barbell from the floor to an overhead position in a single motion. Great for your core.
Con: No man wants to imagine his penis being “snatched.”
Used in Context:“As soon as you get that power snatch overhead, you’re going to do an overhead squat.'” -Crossfit Bro
Pro: Sounds prim and proper and British, making you seem cultured.
Con: Also sounds like something your Grandmother Nora would say. And remember, we’re in America, and in America, a fanny refers to the cheeks.
Used in Context:“Watch my fanny, fanny’s comin' through!”-Scary Movie 2
Pro: You can make plenty of literal “dick in a box” jokes while also making Justin Timberlake proud, and who doesn’t want to do that.
Con: Not a great description of the area.
Used in Context:“WHAT’S IN THE BOX!??! WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!?!” – Brad Pitt