What the Hell is The Sequester?

Mo’ money, mo’ problems. No money? A friggin’ lot mo’ problems.

Mo’ money, mo’ problems. No money? A friggin’ lot mo’ problems.

Have you heard that “The Sequester” is going to take effect sometime today? If you’re not annoyed/angry at this news, it’s probably because you don’t know what “The Sequester” is. And if you don’t know what it is, it’s probably because it sounds insanely boring.

The Sequester“? We almost fell asleep typing it. If Congress is going to contrive a doomsday financial crisis they could at least give it a name we’d enjoy hearing over and over out of the mouths of politicians and talking heads. We came up with three alternate names and took the time to insert them into actual quotes. Just try and tell us you don’t want to know every detail now:

The Fiscal Buttplug: “Unfortunately, Katie, it seems that despite some eleventh-hour maneuverings, the Draconian measures of the Fiscal Buttplug will be set in place by midnight.” ­ -John Boehner

The Fiduciary Bag: “As the deadline approaches and recriminations fly across the aisle, one thing has become apparent: In the absence of a more palatable agreement, many in Congress, especially proponents of fiscal austerity, have come to embrace the Fiduciary Bag.” -Nancy Pelosi

The Toothyhummer: “Sure, it’s going to cause a lot of pain, but at the end of the day, we decided that the Toothyhummer was better than no hummer at all.” -Chris Matthews

5 Things You May Have Missed This Week

FYI, Dennis Rodman is Still in North Korea