9 Things You Should Never Do While Getting A Blowjob - Maxim

9 Things You Should Never Do While Getting A Blowjob

If you like receiving BJs, you need to read this...
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(Photo: Getty)

(Photo: Getty)

Just as there's the art of giving a blowjob, there's also the art of receiving one. 

In case you didn't know, there are certain things men do when getting a blowjob that make the head-giving experience suck for women, no pun intended. That's why we put together a list of things you can go ahead and stop doing to make things a whole lot better for both you and your lady friend. 

1. Don’t push her head down.
You’ve definitely heard this before, and you’re about to hear it again: the first rule of getting a blowjob is to never, ever, ever push her head down. It's basically the most heinous thing you could do while getting a blowjob, considering you're literally forcing her to take your dick further into her mouth. Not cool.

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Pushing down on her head will make the woman slobbering all over your dick promptly retreat in haste, leaving you with an unfortunate case of blue balls. And you don’t’ want blue balls, do you? Didn’t think so. That said, if you feel the need to reach down and push on her head, it’s best to retract your hands and instead push on your own head, or something. 

2. Don't stare at her
If you refuse to break eye contact with the top of her head while she’s going down on you, it might get awkward when she looks up. Let’s face it – you basically have no control over your facial expressions when you’re getting your soul sucked out through your penis. 

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Making some kind of eye contact while your soul is in the process of ascending to orgasmic heaven might make her laugh, or it might creep her out, so maybe it’s a good idea to close your eyes or look around, or something.

3. Don't rub her back like a concerned parent
If you think this doesn’t happen, you’re wrong. It happens, and it’s really weird. You can rub your dog’s back, that’s cool, but don’t rub the back of a woman who has your dick in her mouth. Why? Because it's feels way too fatherlike for something so sexual.

4. Don't thrust inside her mouth
My dudes, please attempt to keep your hips still when you're receiving a blowjob. I know, I know, it feels so good and you naturally want to gyrate your pelvis into her face. Like Shakira says, hips don't lie, but please contain yourself. She’s giving you a blowjob; you’re not having sex with her mouth.

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5. Don't be creepily silent
Are you enjoying it? Do you hate it? Are you dissociating real hard and feel like you’ve returned to the void? SAY SOMETHING!

If you stay completely silent while receiving a blowjob, your lady friend won’t know if she’s pleasing you, and she will probably feel a little discouraged. She’ll also think you’re kind of weird, because it’s very strange to keep totally silent during something that feels so good. So, you should probably say something – curse, moan, groan…anything. Well, not anything -- no yodeling, no animal sounds -- you get the picture. 

6. Don't come without warning
You know what’s worse for a woman giving a blowjob than a completely silent man? A man who blows his load without some kind of warning. Most men are guilty of committing this crime at least once in their life, so don’t even try to deny it.

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Think about it – maybe she’s not a swallower, maybe she gags at the smell and taste of jizz and will throw up all over your junk, or maybe her tongue is blocking her throat and your baby batter is going to come flying out her nose simply because her mouth is not ready to accept your glorious gift. Long story short: coming in her mouth without warning is risky, messy, and just not very nice, so please don’t do it.

7. Don't skimp on cleanliness
Ball sweat is real. As the proud owner of a pair, you would know. That’s why it might even be a good idea to excuse yourself and take a couple minutes to check yourself before you whip out the goods. You know, maybe clean up with little soap and water to get rid of any unsavory funk.

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Trust me when I say, women tend not to enjoy getting a mouthful of funk, so please be courteous and clean and preen before anyone gets intimate with your package.

8. Don't fart
No??? Just no??? I can't believe I even have to say this. If you’re feeling a little bloated and gassy, you hold those farts in out of gentility. It’s an unspoken rule of humanity. You simply cannot fart that close to someone’s face – especially someone who’s face is only a few inches away from your butthole. Have some decency.

9) And always return the favor...
Come on, fellas. Your selfish ass doesn’t return the favor often enough. You know it, I know it, the whole fucking world knows it. 

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After she spends a solid amount of time bobbing up and down on your dick even though she doesn’t like it too much (it’s a fact – most women don’t enjoy giving blowjobs, but they do it anyway like the champs they are), it’s only your humanly duty to reciprocate and spend some time south of the border. It’s the least you can do.