What Your Drink Of Choice Says About You In Bed

Our resident sex expert is sizing you up at the bar.

Straight Whiskey (Rocks Are Acceptable)

Well, hello, Ron Swanson. Fancy meeting you here. Can’t wait to see what type of magic your mustache can muster down under. Oh, what is that? You want to ride me like I’m a majestic stallion and you’re the Brawny Man? Why, by all means, go on. Yes, gentlemen, this is a good choice. Your musk of nicely aged liquor and wood chips is sexually intoxicating. Honestly – and this is a terrible thing to say, but it’s true – any type of man that expresses absolutely no type of emotion while oozing masculinity is going to be attractive to a woman looking to have no-strings-attached sex. And a shot.

Light Beer

Missionary. Your favorite position is missionary. A man that drinks a plethora of light beers is a safe, if boring bet under the sheets – you ain’t no freak. There will be some “man on top,” maybe some “lady on top” for good measure, and possibly a clumsy, halfhearted attempt to recreate something you once saw in a porno that falls apart halfway through because you need to pee after those 15 silver bullets. Oh, us lucky ladies…

Wine

This depends where you are. If you’re the sucker trying to order a glass of Chardonnay in a dive bar, you just look like an idiot. But if you’re in a sophisticated sort of place, calmly sipping on a good Malbec in a dimly lit corner, we immediately see you throwing us on your 3,000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets and having your way with us, and it’s fucking amazing. One word of warning, however: We’re going to see a man that conspicuously orders the most expensive wine in the bar as compensating for something, and we’re going to assume that something is your penis. Maybe it’s not the right size? Maybe it’s a little curved? Or maybe you just don’t know how to use it. At all. 

Margarita

You do realize we’re not at a Mexican restaurant, right? Because that is the only appropriate place for a man to drink a margarita (…maybe in a hot tub. In Mexico). Look, we get it, you’re trying to say, “Hey ladies, check it out, I know how to have fun! And thus I’m super fun with the sexing!” But unless we are at El Paso, all that strawberry margarita is saying is, “Hey Lady! I’ve never seen lady parts while sober! Let me see your tits!” And, uh, that’s going to be a solid no.

Rum and Coke

You’re a solid sexual choice. Rum and coke means you aren’t trying to impress us, not even a little bit. You don’t care what anyone thinks of your drink – you like it, it makes you happy, so what else matters? Exactly. That means you know what you like in bed – you know exactly how to do it and exactly when to do it. At the end of the day, that kind of confidence is all you need for some good old-fashioned romping. Just remember, everything in moderation; we ladies don’t want another whiskey dick situation like your light beer friend who is still in the bathroom because he broke the seal.