Why She Slept With You: The Impulsive Dater
How to give her the chance to change her mind.
I’ve known Marika* for seven years. Once she had an inexplicable dry spell and my wife “lent” me to her for the night to break the spell. It worked. True story. Nowadays we’re good friends. And confidantes.
What’s the main thing someone can do to seduce you?
Guys have to demonstrate intelligence, curiosity and interest. Specifically, I want them to be interested in me, wanting to get to know me and what I’m about. Look: Everyone likes to talk about him or herself. If you can steer a dialogue that’s dynamic, thoughtful and has me presenting my best self, you’re demonstrating those three key qualities and definitely rubbing me the right way. I’ve turned up for dates and immediately thought, “Well, this isn’t going to happen,” then totally changed my mind because the guy was a smart, curious, interested conversationalist. Guys should be more like Howard Stern. He asks the right questions. I would fuck Howard all day long.
So, like Howard, he’s rubbing you the right way conversationally. How do things progress?
Well I think that he’s going to need to know how to read signs, signals and body language. There’s nothing worse than a guy who lets his own agenda override his sense of when it’s appropriate to get closer or go in for the kiss. When it comes too soon I’m like, ‘C’mon buddy, I’m not there yet.’ It can totally kill a lady boner. Can I add intuitiveness to the list?
Cool. Oh! I’m going to add talent to this growing list too.
How does a guy demonstrate that he has a talent without…
Without getting out the tap-shoes?
I think if that talent is a big part of your life you should be able to leave a conversational trail of bread crumbs that lead to it. That shouldn’t be too hard to do, but if for some reason it’s tricky, you can always ask the question that you yourself want to be asked, like, ‘What’s your passion?’ If she’s socially adept she’ll fire it back at you in some form and you can start to leak intel about your talent from there. Also, you’ve got her talking about being passionate which is, y’know, related to sex.
Are there talents that get you…
A little bit wet? Sure. I mean, this might be a “me” thing but I like guys that have a slightly feminine talent. Like guys who have a great eye for fashion or maybe know a lot about wine, food the finer things in life. If a guy is solely interested in hockey and beer, I’m turned off.
When you go on a first date, are you open to the idea of sleeping with a guy that night?
Well, it’s funny: Based on what I think the particular guy is looking for and the kind of mood I’m in, I definitely play different roles on a first date. Even before I start getting ready I’m either a reserved version of me or this other version when say to myself, ‘Okay, I’m gonna be the bitch in charge tonight: Sassy, flippant, bossy and up for anything.’
Do you ever misjudge it and wish you played the Dr.Jekyll instead of Ms. Hyde or vice versa?
I have definitely done that yeah. I’ve gone out assuming that my date is the kind of guy that I’ll want to ramp up to having sex with, only to find out – three drinks in – that we have crazy sexual chemistry. Recalibrating a schtick on the fly can be tricky…especially when you’re already half in the bag. The most successful dates are when I’m myself but when I’m horny I get this idea of how things are going to go down. I guess that’s my agenda getting in my way.
Okay, so what is a guy going to do or say that will most likely want to get behind closed doors?
Every woman wants to be told that she is beautiful and that is definitely going to work provided that it’s delivered in the right way. This is not going to be an off-the-rack compliment. It cannot be contrived. It has to be thoughtful, authentic and completely made to measure.
Perhaps something you’ve never heard before?
And can he pair this with a physical move? Where do you like to be touched?
Definitely a flat palm, gently pressing into the lower back. Other spots, especially if it’s too soon, it can be a disaster. But a hand there can be platonic too and because it can be taken either way, it’s low stakes. I think it connotes protection. It makes you feel small and feminine and cared about. You want to make her think to herself, ‘Did I like that?’
In which situations are you most primed to hook up with someone?
Definitely on vacation. There’s no second-guessing about ‘is this going to be a relationship.’ Everyone is pretty much on the same page.
My friend calls this the “Jamaican me crazy” effect.
Ha! Totally. Getting laid outside of the confines of my normal life is way more frequent because of this effect. When I’m on vacation I’m in a totally different headspace. I’m not thinking about my business or the list of errands I have to run: I’m present, happy, relaxed and receptive to new things and new people and of course, people pick up on that. Going on vacation almost always ends up with me having at least one really fun hook up.
Is there a difference between vacation sex and at home sex?
Yeah. It’s less inhibited, I think. The gain is higher and the stakes are lower.
*No, that’s not a picture of Marika. That’s a picture of a very lovely woman modeling for a stock photographer.
Still curious why she slept with you? Read on:
Why She Slept With You: The Recovering Monogamist
Why She Slept With You: The Internet Dater
Why She Slept With You: The Office Dater
Photos by Mark Leibowitz / Masterfile / Corbis