The Worst, Grossest, and Craziest Breakups
Think your breakup was bad? Check out these breakups full of poop, Tweets, blood, and more.
Think it was bad when you got dumped? Check out these breakups full of poop, Tweets, blood, and more.
Photo: Henrik Sorensen / Stone / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Dumped (Literally)
When Brenda Schumann found her estranged husband in bed with another woman last December, she reacted with the dignity and grace of a rabid chimpanzee. Police say the 51-year-old Florida woman, armed with a rifle, barged in screaming, “I’ll fucking kill you both!” Her hubby wrestled the gun from her hands, but that didn’t stop her from firing the ammo from her bladder: First she peed in the hallway; then, for good measure, she took a shit on the kitchen floor—right before allegedly destroying everything in the house. Her defense to the police? “I found him in bed with a naked chick. What was I supposed to do?” Certainly you didn’t expect her to rage-poop in a toilet?!
A Cut Below
Three’s a crowd when you live with your wife and her niece. Especially when you’re banging them both, as was the case with an unnamed 44-year-old Alaskan man in 2005. Eventually, his mistress, Kim Tran, 35, told her philandering boyfriend that he needed to dump his wife and marry her, stat. When the man said he wanted to keep their relationship sexual, she gave him the shaft—by taking his. Using a kitchen knife, she severed his penis, then flushed it down the toilet. Tran was arrested and convicted of felony assault with a weapon. Her lover’s penis was miraculously recovered by the local utility company and successfully reattached, making John Wayne Bobbitt’s ordeal look like a hangnail.
Antisocial Media
In 2009, London plumber Ian Puddick, 39, found a text on his wife Leena’s phone from her boss that read: “Where should we have sex next? The office, al fresco, the flat, or all three?” Unimpressed by Leena’s multitasking, Puddick went nutso and started a two-year campaign to publicly shame his wife’s lover/boss, Timothy Haynes, 50. He tattled to Haynes’ wife and colleagues and created a Web site and Twitter profile to expose the affair. Haynes called the police, but the charges were dropped. Now Puddick is free to try making #TimHaynesPutHisPenisInMyWife a trending topic.
Lusty Lawsuit
In 2009, Illinois car dealer Bob Rohrman, 76, was only four years into his marriage when he discovered his wife, Ronda, 46, was a real lemon. Behind his back she had allegedly been test-driving a shiny, newer model, 56-year-old plastic surgeon Sami Bittar. Rohrman responded by suing his male rival for “alienation of affection,” seeking $50,000 in damages. Rohrman got neither the money nor his wife back, but at least he got to keep his pride. Actually, we’re pretty sure he lost that as well.
Bonfire of the Insanities
British couple Darrell Plews, 44, and Michelle Dampha, 34, took a romantic vacation to Gambia in 2011 hoping to save their flailing marriage. Sparks were reignited for Michelle…with the 25-year-old resort gardener. When she left Darrell to marry the lawn boy, her husband retaliated by building a bonfire and throwing all her possessions in it, including her wedding dress, more than 100 pairs of designer shoes, and 50 handbags. After admitting to arson and theft, Plews was sentenced to 12 months in jail and ordered to compensate his ex $8,000, which Dampha can put toward her honeymoon to find her next husband.
Stark Raving Ad
Fed up with being a piece on the side, YaVaughnie Wilkins, 41, paid nearly $250,000 to reveal her eight-year affair with Charles Phillips, one of Barack Obama’s top economic advisers, on billboards across the country in 2010. A 60-foot Times Square ad featured a photo of the couple and a quote from Phillips, 50: “You are my soulmate forever!” Phillips released a statement admitting to the affair, adding, “The relationship with Ms. Wilkins has since ended, and we wish each other well.” Spoken like a true gentleman (who’s scared of his bunny getting boiled to death).
Payback’s a Fish
Pasadena man Manuel Moreira loved his goldfish as much as his wife loved gold. So when, in 2009, he took back jewelry he’d given her, she got even by running off with his seven goldfish. He reported the fishnapping to the police, who showed up at the woman’s home only to find four of them on a plate, fried to a golden crisp. When asked about the other three, she replied, “I already ate those.” Unfortunately for Moreira, nothing could be done about the revenge dinner, as the fish were considered “community property.” The couple probably won’t be reuniting, but there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
The Giving Spree
In a bid to screw over his wife while still keeping karma on his side, an Australian man going through a divorce in 2011 donated all his money to charity to deprive his missus of seeing a single dime. The 58-year-old claimed “greed” ruined their marriage, so he sold their $400,000 home and anonymously mailed nearly 400 envelopes of cash to random charitable organizations. Then he disinherited himself from his dead mother’s estate and used his cut-up bank statements for paper mâché projects (most passive-aggressive piñatas ever). The wife took him to court, where he was sentenced to 12 months’ probation for being a good-hearted asshole.
Want more weird stuff? Check out Armed and Fabulous: 6 Weapons For The Lady In Your Life and 7 Felonies You’ve Probably Committed In Your Lifetime.
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