You Asked: Best Nipple

Every other week, we’re combing through the Google searches that lead people to Maxim and picking one of your very important questions to answer.


(Photo: Emelie Ollila)

Nipples. Wow. Nipples are great, nipples are fun. Nipples can be touched, tweaked, pinched, put into your mouth (gently!!!!); nipples can even be pierced! And, yeah, they get hard sometimes, when it’s cold, or when sex stuff is about to happen.

But what is the best nipple, you ask? Well, why are you searching for it, O Maxim Man? Are you unhappy with the nipples that surround you at present moment? Are you currently experiencing a nipple drought? Have you named yourself the Don Quixote of the perfect nipple? Are you writing your doctoral thesis on areolae and your research tactics have grown lazy? Whatever your incentive, I have come here to tell you a crazy, earth-shattering thing: all nipples, actually, are very good.

You see, my nipple-seeking friend, nips are like snowflakes: no two — er, no four — are alike. I bet even a pair of identical twins will have slightly different nipples, although please don’t quote me on that because I’m not a doctor! Some are small and perky, and some are like wide half-dollars, taking up as much breast-y real estate as they can. Some are pink, some are brown, some are pale, some are dark; some are bumpy, and some are smooth and pert. Some are adorned with wayward hairs, and some are not because those hairs have been plucked. But all of our nipples (even yours!) exist on a spectrum, and no one is better than the other. The best nipple is the nipple you’re lucky enough to get intimate with. It’s one you can get to know and love. Or maybe — hey, why not! — the best nipple is one of your nipples, because it’s on-hand 24-7. Want to nervously fiddle with something? Just reach under your shirt and pinch! We’ve all done it.

So stop looking for the perfect nipple. Stop looking for the perfect boob, even! Because working from the assumption that there’s one perfect nipple — and you’re either going to find it or your not— will keep you from appreciating the cornucopia of nipples that this world has to offer. After all, life is like a box of nipples: you never know what you’re gonna get.

Still confused? Check out the other installments of You Asked here.