You Asked: ‘How to Attract a Ghost Sexually’
Every other week, we’re combing through the Google searches that lead people to Maxim and picking one of your very important questions to answer.
Ke$ha claims to have Frenched a ghost. Natasha Blasick, Paranormal 2 actress, allegedly had sex with one (twice). Anna Nicole Smith felt one crawl up her leg, en route to Vagina Town. And then there was the whole Dan Aykroyd Ghostbusters knob job situation.
Spectrophilia is a mysterious and exciting prospect, particularly if you’ve grown tired of the whole warm body-on-warm body thing. Maybe that’s what brought you to this particular Google search. Or perhaps you’ve brushed up against a sexy phantom and want to lure her back into your orbit. Whatever your motivations, here’s how to do that.
The bleeders and breathers among us don’t have much in common with ghosts. They float and fly while we walk and digest. They will carry on forever and we will carry on until the day we join their ranks. But there is one thing we do have in common with the spirits that make us haunted and horny: We want what we cannot have. For a ghost, life is the ultimate turn-on.
To lure your sultry specter, then, just be as alive as you can. Run and sweat and feel your heart beat. Ride a bicycle and sit in chairs; force tangible objects to support you. Cut your hair, trim your fingernails. Spend as much time as possible eating food and drinking drinks. (I can imagine that watching red wine rush down a live specimen’s gullet would be particularly attractive to a wan phantom.)
Also, like most live humans, ghosts like the thrill of the chase, and they want to make sure that that chase won’t get cut short by a sudden illness or a tragic accident. So go see your general practitioner with haste. Wear a helmet and a seat belt whenever possible. Look both ways when you cross the street. Floss every day. Do not consume sugar, artificial sweeteners, or saturated fats in excess. Exercise for 30 minutes at least three times a week. Get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. You don’t want to be “too tired” when the ghost in question inevitably wants to to bone.
Then again, ghosts like to save people! Remember the movie Ghost, with Patrick Swayze, in which Patrick Swayze dies and then tries to save his wife who is a hot ceramicist? Ghosts love to be the hero. So while you shouldn’t actually die, maybe hire a stranger to stalk you, and then feel your ghost lover float to the rescue, the winds of salvation blowing at your neck. If you go with this option you will probably have to negotiate the terms either via email (ghosts probably can’t infiltrate the Internet) or some sort of other safe room that a ghost cannot penetrate, just to make sure they aren’t in on the plan.
If you were looking to attract a warm-bodied human who has ghosted you, I have no answers. These are our modern world’s most confounding beings. Just move on, I guess. Find another human to kiss. Or the nearest ghost.
Still confused? Check out the other installments of You Asked here.