10 Modern Mantras for Those Daily Aggravations That Drive You Mad

Chant, don't rant.
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Angry Man

For some guys, anger management means sitting on a yoga mat and visualizing waterfalls. But for those of us with shorter attention spans--and fuses--the answer is immediate gratification meditation. 

Below, you'll find some on-demand chants from Dan Zevin’s new book, Very Modern Mantras: Daily Affirmations for Daily Aggravations. To achieve instant inner peace, simply mutter them over and over whenever you're about to completely lose your shit.

Modern Mantra #1: "I WILL NOT LOSE MY SHIT AT STARBUCKS."

Chant when the customer in front of you has spent ten minutes special-ordering--and reordering--their foam-free, half-soy, pumpkin spice latte (no pumpkin, no spice).

Modern Mantra #2: "BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE AT THE GYM."

Chant while wiping grunting guy's back-sweat off of bench press.

Modern Mantra #3: "MY PIZZA WILL ARRIVE WHENEVER IT IS MEANT TO ARRIVE."

Chant for 59 minutes until ordering Chinese.

Modern Mantra #4: "I AM GRATEFUL MY COLLEAGUE LIKED MY IDEA ENOUGH TO STEAL IT."

Chant while accidentally gluing colleague's laptop shut.

Modern Mantra #5: "THE ROBOCALLS WILL NOT SEND ME INTO A RAGE SPIRAL."

Chant before threatening those who wish to conduct important personal business.

Modern Mantra #6: "I AM NOT TURNING INTO MY FATHER."

Chant in plaid pajamas and padded sneakers.

Modern Mantra #7: "I AM INSPIRED BY THE PERFECT LIVES I SEE ON INSTAGRAM."

Chant when you are envious/jealous/spiteful of the perfect lives you see on Instagram.

Modern Mantra #8: "I WILL NOT COMMIT ELDER ABUSE ON THE CUSTOMER PAYING IN PENNIES."

Chant in checkout line of CVS.

Modern Mantra #9: "I AM DONE ORDERING 5% OF THE DINNER AND PAYING 50% OF THE CHECK."

Chant after they order fourth bottle of wine.

Modern Mantra #10: "I DETACH FROM THE D-BAG AT THE STADIUM SHOW."

Chant upon being jabbed by fellow fan's air-guitar and/or moistened by fellow fan's beer.

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For more of your modern mantra needs, check out these meditation videos and pick up Very Modern Mantras: Daily Affirmations for Daily Aggravations, on sale beginning October 8.