Ever Wanted to Be a Professional Bacon Critic? Now’s Your Chance
This is not a drill.
Do your summer plans include sitting on your ass, drinking beer, and watching TV all day? Do you wish you could sit on your ass and eat bacon all day instead? Well, now you can.
Extra Crispy—the new all-breakfast-all-the-time website—is looking for a freelance bacon critic to spend three months eating bacon, critiquing bacon, and writing all about the bacon-gasmic joyride their taste buds experience.
Basically, they’re looking for someone to eat, sleep, and breathe bacon for money. Someone to literally wake up and smell the bacon, every single morning.
And no, this is not a joke. This is an actual, real, honest-to-goodness job. You, my friend, can become a bacon connoisseur. A bacon gastronome. A bon vivant of bacon. Because bacon dreams really do come true.
The official title of the position is “Extra Crispy Bacon Critic,” which is probably the best thing you could have on your resume, ever. You tell me which sounds better: “Google Software Developer” or “Extra Crispy Bacon Critic”? I think the answer is pretty clear.
All you need to do to become a bacon critic is live somewhere in the US, be over 21, and have the capacity to write a 600-word essay on your “favorite bacon-related memory,” which shouldn’t be that difficult. All it takes is elaborating on that one time a tiny splatter of bacon grease healed your broken leg, or the time you ate the entire tray of bacon at a buffet and got kicked out.
Applicants must also possess serious “writing chops, an unmistakable voice, a sense of adventure, and an insatiable hunger—for bacon,” as it says in the official job listing. All very, very important skills for an aspiring bacon critic.
Want to live this wild fantasy? Just send your 600-word porky dissertation to firstname.lastname@example.org by 11:59 P.M. EST on June 24, and hope you get picked to become the one, the only…the Extra Crispy Bacon Critic.