The 2013 Ford Taurus

A car review from a woman who never drives and knows nothing about automobiles.

A car review from a woman who never drives and knows nothing about automobiles.

I live in the greatest city in the world, which is one that has secret underground trains that take you from point A to point B for the price of a song. As such, I have not driven a car in ten years. But when I did drive, I got behind the wheel of a used 1996 Ford Taurus, the first — and only — car I’ve ever owned. So when Ford recently loaned me their 2013 Taurus Limited, it was like seeing an old friend again. An old friend who makes you feel fat and depressed, because they’ve inexplicably gotten better with age. So how was it getting back into the driver’s seat, a decade later? The biggest differences, below.

1. I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on.

Without keys or an ignition, I sat in the driver’s seat for a good five minutes, until I realized that the fancy keychain had a sensor that, when detected inside the car, allows you to start the engine simply by pushing a button. It makes going to key parties a little awkward, but otherwise: awesome!

2. It listened to me.

Everything was voice-activated, unlike the ’96, which would essentially roll its eyes if I so much as asked it to turn down the volume. With the current model, I could change the radio station, make a phone call, adjust the temperature, or activate the GPS with simple voice commands. It was basically K.I.T.T. without the lasers or saucy comebacks.

3. It let me be super lazy.

Both the headlights and windshield wipers operated on a sensor, so I didn’t have to lift a finger when it began to rain or if I was approaching on-coming traffic with my high-beams on. If that had happened in my old Taurus, I would have been forced to to reach allllll the way over to the lever to do it with my hands, like a damn animal.

4. I was less likely to sideswipe other vehicles.

Whenever someone was in my blind spot, a small orange light appeared in the sideview mirror, ensuring I wouldn’t take them out when I switched lanes. It also had a rearview camera and would warn me of oncoming traffic if I was backing out of parking spaces or driveways. This is how I managed to not kill anyone on this trip.

5. It knows how to set the mood. 

The multicontour seats treated my tushie to some TLC with its warming mechanism and subtle massager, unlike my old car which had seats that provided…seating. Plus, I could choose interior ambient lighting in one of seven different colors. I was half expecting Barry White to crawl out of the trunk and start serenading me. Sadly, that feature won’t be available until 2014.

Here are some other specs, which you may find interesting but I don’t understand:

• 3.5-liter V6 engine with twin independent variable camshaft

• 6F60 six-speed automatic transmission

• Low-tension front end accessory drive belt

• Power-assisted standard four-wheel ABS (four-channel)

Show me more sweet cars.

Take me to the girl galleries.