Aston Martin Vanquish: Roar Power!

It might look more dignified than an entire stable full of Italian stallions, but you wouldn’t want to make it angry.

It might look more dignified than an entire stable full of Italian stallions, but you wouldn’t want to make it angry.

Aston Martin’s latest incarnation of the Vanquish replaces the DBS as the British brand’s top-dog super car and comes crammed with toys and tech. But while there’s enough state-of-the-art kit on board to embarrass NASA, the Vanquish manages to retain its stiff-upper lip without ever making onlookers wonder if its owner suffers from small-man cock envy (we hear Viagra comes standard on Lamborghinis). For proof that the Vanquish can get it up, just thrust the keyless fob into the center-console and listen to the angry Aston. Imagine a T-Rex with irritable bowel syndrome who’s pissed because his tiny claw can’t scratch his ass: That’s a lot like the noise these 565 horses make when prodded. At $279,995 the Vanquish isn’t exactly budget-friendly; nor is it quite the fastest in its class, but it is one of the most beautiful cars ever to hit the highway. Think Bar Refaeli, with alloys!

The Maxim Button

Want to feel the full force of the Aston’s ass-kicking performance? Simply stop, punch the Launch Control button, floor the gas, and hold onto your balls! The Vanquish will accelerate all the way to 183 mph as fast as its brain will allow and your sphincter can hold-off spraying last night’s taco all over the leather.

Central Park

Hit the reverse gear button and the entertainment system-cum-sat-nav ‘magics’ into a rear-view camera complete with tramlines that show where you’re headed and, more importantly, where you should be backing. Even Amanda Bynes could parallel park this beauty.

Fiber Provider

To keep the Vanquish from getting too lardy and to make design features like the sexy rear-spoiler possible, many of the car’s body features are sculpted out of super-light carbon fiber. But don’t worry: the cage itself is strong enough to hold its own against Charlie Sheen’s best tiger-fueled cliff rage. Or, say, a military tank.

Dynamic Ceramic

If you’re going to speed off faster than the medals in Lance Armstrong’s trophy room, you’d better make sure you’re able to stop pretty darn fast, too. Good thing the Vanquish comes shoed with all-round ceramic brakes – not quite the same as what your John is made of, but more like the boots F-1 cars currently take to the track to slow them up.


Price: £189,995/$279,995

Engine: 6.0-liter V-12

Horse Power: 565

0-60 mph: 4.1 seconds

Top Speed: 183 mph

Show me more cool cars.

Show me some girls.