Yesterday, an Oscar Meyer Wienermobile—America’s premier motorized wiener— slid off an icy Pennsylvania highway into a large pole. The industrial-phallus-on-industrial-phallus violence left the beloved road-bratwurst bent, bruised, and lonely. No injuries were reported, though America’s psyche is said to have taken a considerable hit. A warning to viewers: the footage of a once proud ham cylinder brought to its knees is incredibly bleak. As if you needed reminding: only the good die young.
The news is a real baloney-killer.