Tiger Woods Was Asleep at the Wheel and Totally Incoherent, According to Police Report

Woods’ DUI arrest inspired lots of mocking mugshot memes and at least one defender—comedian Bill Burr.

The police report filed after the Monday morning arrest of Tiger Woods says the legendary golfer was found asleep at the wheel of his car and totally unaware of where he was.

Though the report shows that Woods failed several sobriety tests, it also appears to support the claim that the DUI was the result of of prescription drugs and not alcohol. Despite a story on TMZ that said Woods was driving his 2015 Mercedes-Benz “erratically” and smelled of alcohol, the police report says he was found in his stopped car and smelled of nothing at all. 

He also blew two breathalyzer tests, the report says, both of which registered .000.

“I understand the severity of what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions,” the 14-time major champion said in a statement Monday night. “I want the public to know that alcohol was not involved. What happened was an unexpected reaction to prescribed medications. I didn’t realize the mix of medications had affected me so strongly.”

Woods last played a tournament in February. But after shooting an opening round 77 in the Dubai Desert Classic, he withdrew with back pain. Then in April he underwent his fourth back surgery in the past three years. 

The news of Woods’ arrest and the release of his mugshot, above, was greeted without much sympathy online, where the joke crackers and photoshoppers came out in full force. 

https://twitter.com/NoChiIlSports/status/869244505224093696https://twitter.com/BarstoolMSU/status/869227563591270401

As Rob Perez noted, the most popular joke to make in the aftermath of Woods’ arrest was about his inability to drive straight. 

https://twitter.com/World_Wide_Wob/status/869229121699815425

But not everyone was so eager to bash Woods. On his popular Monday Morning podcast, comedian Bill Burr emerged as one of Woods’ few defenders, defending him against those mocking the guy at one of his lowest moments.

Of course, it’s hard to take Burr seriously when he starts his rant by saying, “I love Stephen A. Smith,” but here it is anyway.