Become The Ultimate Maxim Man

More booze! More sex! And 20 other science-y secrets to living longer and stronger without becoming some kind of annoying, pain-in-the-ass health nut.

More booze! More sex! And 20 other science-y secrets to living longer and stronger without becoming some kind of annoying, pain-in-the-ass health nut.

1. If you sit at a computer all day, save your eyes by using the high-five test: You’re too close if you can’t fully extend your arm to give your monitor a high-five. Or a fist bump, if your computer’s a douche.

2. To increase your metabolism, eat one teaspoon of cinnamon per day, which also helps to control blood sugar levels. Or just take two Cinnabuns and call us in the morning.

3. Always forgetting people’s names? When you meet someone, repeat their name back to them with a “Nice to meet you.” Just doing that will boost your ability to remember by 30 percent. Incorporating another sense by shaking hands will also help. Licking? Not so much.

4. After a workout, skip the Gatorade and treat yourself to a big glass of…chocolate milk. Its carbohydrate and protein content is great for tired muscles, while the water content prevents dehydration. All that calcium is just an added bonus. As is the handsome milk mustache.

5. Just a few of the disgusting foods that are very good for you: calf liver, cod liver oil, Marmite, beef brains, blood pudding. Mix them all together for a healthful stew that will give you superpowers and/or ex­plosive diarrhea.

6. Got a cold? Don’t blow your nose. It reverses the flow of mucus into the sinuses, slowing drainage. Instead, try decongestants and blowing one nostril at a time. Yes, snot rockets are good for you.

7. Sleeping one more precious hour per night makes a man just as happy as receiving a $60,000 raise. (Note to boss: We’ll still take the raise.)

8. To determine how many calories you need per day, nonathletic men (we’re not pointing fingers) should multiply their weight by 12.

9. Try a cup of decaf and dial up the easy-listening station on the way to work on Monday: Statistically speaking, that’s the day when you’re most likely to have a heart attack.

10. No choice but to use a public rest room? Pick the crapper closest to the door. Shy guys prefer to be as far from the entrance as possible, meaning the closest stall has fewer bacteria (and more toilet paper).

11. Light to moderate alcohol consumption helps your memory. In one study, people who consumed up to two glasses of wine a day were 45 percent less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease. However, if you drink more than that, your memory is…Wait, what were we talking about again?

12. Trim your diet by just 10 calories per day—that’s an apple slice or one Pringle—to lose a pound in a year. Of course, in the case of Pringles, this is scientifically impossible as once you pop, you can’t stop.

13. When it’s time to remember something, breathe deeply and slowly. That switches the electrical pulses in your brain to mimic hypnagogic sleep, which makes you sharper when you wake up from a nap. Be careful not to drool.

14. Eating two slices of cheese per day cuts the risk of Type 2 diabetes by 12 percent. (Eating two slices of cheesecake may have the opposite effect.)

15. For all the wine snobs out there, avoid purple teeth with this trick from cosmetic dentist Dr. Laura Torrado: “Bite on a piece of cheese before drinking reds. The fat will create a protective layer against the dark tannins of red wine.”

16. Chewing gum increases blood flow to the brain, improving your concentration…on chewing that gum.

17. If you have trouble sleeping, move to Minneapolis, rated the best city for sleep in the country. (Residents average about 23 good nights a month.) In other words, Minneapolis is really boring.

18. A cheap way to stop snoring (see below): Tape a Ping-Pong ball to the back of your shirt. It will force you to sleep on your side, preventing your tongue and palate from narrowing the airway and making you saw logs.

19. Learn how to punch in your pin number with your elbows: A British study showed that ATMs are as riddled with bacteria as public toilets. Those ATM fees actually are shitty!

20. Time to celebrate: That porn addiction may actually save your life! Studies show that men who ejaculate 21 times a month have a 33 percent lower risk of prostate cancer than the average male. Wait, the average male jerks it less than 21 times a month?

Check out other features from Maxim’s April issue:

Interview: Smokin’ Hot Action Star Adrianne Palicki

Mother Trucker! It’s the New Silverado!