Death to Clip-On Man Buns
It’s time to put an end to the man bun.
In case you needed proof that human civilization is on the verge of collapse: Groupon is selling clip-on man buns for the low, low price of $9.99:
“One of the hottest trends in men’s fashion, the man bun has been popularized by fixed-gear bicyclists and introspective Hollywood actors alike. But although the hairstyle oozes with fashion sense, those who sport it might find themselves outcasts in sports bars, motorcycle gangs, and the annual government-mandated machismo test. This attachable—and, equally important, detachable—man bun lets you blend in with your surroundings, putting it on when you smell fair-trade coffee or hear a banjo, and taking it off when someone utters the word bro.”
This gross clip-on accessory, as an indicator of the growing popularity of the man bun, is absolutely horrifying. Actual, legitimate man buns have become a fixture of American culture since at least 2012, according to this awful New York Timestrend piece. Leonardo DiCaprio has worn one; so have dudes like Orlando Bloom, Jared Leto, and Chris Hemsworth. Men everywhere are secretly Googling how to grow one.
But this has to end now. Man buns are not a trend to be celebrated or perpetuated. Science has proven that real life man buns are terrible for your health. A recent survey showed that 63 percent of American women “either dislike or outright hate the man-bun,” and a full 58 percent won’t date a guy who rocks a gross knot on their head. What good reason could you possibly have for spending your hard-earned money on this hipster toupee? I mean, just look at this asshole:
There are worse things than the man bun, like the male ponytail, certainly. But man buns need to go the way of parachute pants or aggressive perm and remain an embarrassing joke in the annals of style history. Never grow one, and for God’s sake never buy one. The rest of the civilized world thanks you.