Good god, man, your face is showing! Make it count with these top grooming products, plus stylish outerwear, accessories, and shoes.
Bill Murray Christmas Accessories, $15 and up
Artist Derek Eads’ original print is the ultimate way to express your appreciation for the world’s best actor/human being, Bill Murray. The custom design comes on T-shirts, hoodies, tote bags, and iPhone cases, and many of Murray’s best films—Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Scrooged, Groundhog Day, Kingpin, Rushmore, Lost in Translation, and The Life Aquatic—are represented. The best part is that it’s so subtle, only the truly Murray fans will even pick up on it.
[pagebreak]Chaps Holiday Sweaters, $79.50
Fact: It’s not a party until someone loses an iPhone. And it’s not Christmas until you rock a novelty sweater plastered with reindeer heads, snowflakes, and other holiday trappings. These cotton knit pullovers are warm as hell, and they’ll remind everyone at the office Christmas party that whiskey is only one of the things you’re full of—holiday spirit is the other. (Bet you thought we were gonna say “shit.” We got you good.)
[pagebreak]Hurley Phantom Slicker, $399.50
If the name of this high-performance rain jacket didn’t already pique our interest (it sounds like a video game!), the specs would: Breathable 3-layer waterproof nylon shell, reinforced hood visor, reflective detailing, low-profile interior waist cinch, zip pocket for media, and a bunch of other things that sound really cool even though we don’t know what they mean (“colorbar drawcord tip”? Sure, why not).
[pagebreak]Vans LXVI Stat, $95
Admittedly, this might be our Hurricane Sandy-related PTSD talking, but these ultra-lightweight, all-weather terrain, fully waterproof high-tops seem like an especially wise investment this holiday season. The understated sneaks boast Scotchguard-treated Wolverine pig suede, 1200D ballistic nylon paneling, WaffleFlex tread design, and stitchless construction for increased durability. We have no idea what any of that means, but it sounds badass.
[pagebreak]BucketFeet Shoes, $55 and up
Hoping to catch the attention of one of those artsy Brooklyn/Portland-type girls, without having to grow a handlebar moustache or generally behave like a complete fucking tool? This line of artist-designed footwear has you covered. The line is produced by an international collective of artists and designers hailing from all over the world, and each pair is as unique as can be—from flashy, intricate prints, to simple no-frills solids. No matter which pair you choose, you’re guaranteed to be the only dude at that dumb hipster party who has them. And won’t that just drive them nuts?
[pagebreak]Beard Conditioner, $19.49
If you’re anything like us, you’ve been washing your hair with a fine Pert Plus all-in-one shampoo and conditioner since 1982. But facial hair is an entirely different monster, one that frequently comes into contact with all kinds of foreign substances—like food, and your girlfriend—and proper grooming can be a game-changer. This rugged yet sensitive beard conditioner, made with essential oils, keeps your short and curlies in check, ensuring that your facial hair grows in smoother, healthier, and thicker, without smelling like potpourri.
[pagebreak]Ray-Ban Aviator Folding Ultra, $495
Finally, a pair of super tricked-out sunglasses that are also practical enough to carry around all night, in anticipation of your walk of shame the following morning. These limited edish folding Ray-Bans come dipped in white or yellow 22-karat gold, with fancy polarized lenses, a convenient mini leather case, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing you can order that bacon, egg, and cheese without being judged by the deli guy for your bloodshot eyes. Your stench is another matter.
[pagebreak]Hugo Boss Fount Backpack, $375
Whatever you may need to transport—a sweater, an umbrella, a disguise, a Tupperware filled with drugs—this sleek, non-effeminate knapsack will get the job done. It’s got multiple pockets, striped buckle closure, and adjustable drawstring, which all sounds pretty good to us. And remember: a man-purse is never the answer, but a backpack is totally fine.
[pagebreak]Lebron X NSW Cork Edition, price TBD
The whole point of the holidays is having an excuse to get shit you want, not shit you need. And absolutely no one (like, literally, no one) needs these limited-run Nike Lebron X sneakers, which are made out of cork—an homage to the Champagne bottles the NBA star was popping in London after Team USA’s Olympic victory. But yeah, they are made out of actual cork, and therefore cannot actually be used for anything other than sitting on a shelf and looking pretty. On second thought, we totally need them!
[pagebreak]Maxim T-Shirts, $23
The official Rules of Journalism handbook states, in no uncertain terms, that when you bust your ass compiling hundreds of items for a holiday gift guide, you’re automatically entitled to include at least one shameless plug. Consider this that plug. But seriously, this holiday season, you owe it to yourself to snag one of these cool new Maxim T-shirts for everyone on your list. We’re not saying they’ll help you get laid, but we’re also not saying they won’t.
[pagebreak]Denim & Supply Ralph Lauren Camo Knit Cardigan, $185
Wear camo the right way: You’ll be comfy and able to blend in with a shrubbery at a moment’s notice. What? SOMETIMES IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO BLEND IN WITH A SHRUBBERY. No, we won't elaborate.
[pagebreak]ATX Headblade, $15
The ATX All Terrain headblade gets a close shave and is fun to use, with upgraded wheels from plastic to hard rubber, and an improved axle for better control. Take that, stupid head hair that we totally didn't want anyway! *sob*
[pagebreak]Success by Trump, $83.33
If the recipient doesn’t like it, he can donate it to Obama's favorite charity.
Spritz the bowl before you go and no one will ever know what heinous act you're about to commit.
Flint and Tinder Premium Underwear, $18.95
Your junk deserves the best, and Flint and Tinder's new line of premium, American-made underwear doesn't skimp on giving it to you. Four tagless designs — briefs, boxer-briefs, trunk briefs and knit boxers — are made with soft supima cotton and plush elastic. They're so comfortable, even an atomic wedgie would feel like a tender hug for your butt crack. Best of all, these undies are made right here in the U.S. of A, so for every 1000 pairs that are sold, at least one sustainable job is added into the supply chain. Buy a pair, and consider it your penis's patriotic duty.
More of the 2012 Maxim Holiday Gift Guide