Guys Hump the Darnedest Things

Sometimes you want the sweet, loving touch of a woman… And other times, you just want the cooperative umbrella hole of a picnic table, as these true tales attest.

Bicycles
While staying in a hostel, a Scottish man (you’ll soon know Europe’s dominance in the category of humpable inanimate objects) was discovered in his room by two housekeepers, cradling his bike in nothing but a T-shirt and “moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.” And if it weren’t for their meddling, he probably could have gotten Turkish handlebars out of it, too.

Turnpikes
From the news source that brought us the Huffy humper also came the story of our next entrant, an Englishman, who in 1993 was arrested for “having sex with pavements.” To be fair, over 60 percent of Britain’s byways are paved in labia.

Footwear
Are you gellin’? You can bet your sweet ass Robert Watt is. The Scotsman was fined 100 pounds in 1997 for sexually assaulting a shoe in public (bottom of news story), and found himself in the slammer again in 2002 after railing a traffic cone before a crowd of people. Lawmakers really should address Scotland’s apparent vagina shortage.

Outdoor Furnishings
In March, police in Ohio charged 40-year-old Art Price Junior with four counts of public indecency after a neighbor caught him vigorously waxing down a picnic table with his trousers. Price later confessed that he had actually been doing so for nearly three months, so it ends up being a pretty touching story about monogamy.



Industrial Vacuums
Question: How many Polish guys does it take to screw a shop vac? Answer: this one. Upon being caught by a security guard on his knees… naked… clutching a Henry Hoover, a building contractor claimed he was cleaning his underpants, a “common practice in Poland.” The man lost his job, but should consider himself lucky he didn’t lose his kielbasa.



Swimming Pools
In 1994, St. Petersburg, Florida, police were dispatched to the Scottish Inn (note, even in the U.S., our most deviant shit is Scottish) to rescue a man “trapped in the swimming pool.” If you remember the 1990s, pool suctions then looked unmistakably like female genitalia. Which explains why the 33-year-old man’s now-clinically-bruised penis was lodged in one for over 40 minutes while cops alternated between lubing, pulling, and kidney-punching this idiot.



City Lighting
Influenced by this hot new trend, another Brit was arrested in February for “simulating a sex act with a lamppost,” which is, figuratively, like a woman trying to hump a gopher hole, but whatever. Thankfully, the world’s most graphic rendition of “Singing in the Rain” was witnessed by a minimum of adults—the several children that were exposed to it should prove far more resilient.



Beer Bottles
Straight from the fertile ‘tard farm of Yahoo! Answers comes this provocative inquiry: “How do I get my penis out of a beer bottle?” Don’t bother replying, folks—moments later, the questioner explained that he freed himself by cracking a hole in the base of the bottle and applying some ice before lubing it all up. Buddy, that’s not what they mean by “Tap the Rockies.”

Bots
A 33-year-old known only as Zoltan made news in Georgia by marrying the robot he built. Zoltan and his womandroid have a happy relationship, not only because she doesn’t have voice capability, but also because she surprisingly has no presidential aspirations.