Hope Solo Kicks Our Ass

Do they give medals for puking?

Patrick Carone

Jul 11, 2012

When a beautiful athlete asks you to spend time with her, the answer is a quick “Yes!” But maybe Maxim editor Patrick Carone should’ve asked a few questions. Turns out two-time gold-medal-winning U.S. soccer goalie Hope Solo wanted to challenge our boy to a series of athletic contests at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute. Do they give medals for puking?

Watch the tests on video: Hope Solo Gets Physical

THE TESTS

1. Body Composition

Purpose: Evaluate fat versus lean muscle mass. The average person measures 19–22 percent body fat.

Technique: Lie prone in a space-pod-like X-ray machine.

RESULTS

Hope: Lean.

Patrick: A not-so-lean 36.1 percent lard.

2. Cognitive Function

Purpose: See how fast the brain processes and reacts to stimuli.

Technique: Hit buttons on a board as soon as they light up, a sort of high-tech Whac-a-Mole. Average reaction time is .71 seconds.

RESULTS

Hope: .59 seconds.

Patrick: .66 seconds. (So close!)

3. Isokinetic Strength

Purpose: Determine force produced by legs.

Technique: Lift and lower leg weights at a constant speed without crying. Average is 159 N/m (Newton meters, or torque, or…Leave us alone—we failed physics!)

RESULTS

Hope: Average.

Patrick: 138 N/m, fascinated by Hope’s legs.

4. Aerobic Performance

Purpose: Measure the ability to use oxygen to convert carbs to fat for energy. The average is 45 ml/kg/minute (minutes per kilogram of body weight).

Technique: Run until lungs implode.

RESULTS

Hope: Average.

Patrick: 39 ml/kg/minute, nearly vomits.

5. Peak Power

Purpose: Measure ability to produce power and speed in quick, all-out efforts.

Technique: Pedal against maximum resistance for 30 seconds. Average is 11.65–12.34 w/kg (watts per kilogram of resistance).

RESULTS

Hope: Elite.

Patrick: 10.37 w/kg, vomits in mouth, swallows.

6. HAND-GRIP STRENGTH

Purpose: Measure the strength of the forearm and hand muscles. Average is 105–112 kg (kilograms of resistance).

Technique: Squeeze grip with all your might.

RESULTS

Hope: Above average.

Patrick: 95.9 kg. (Funny, we thought he’d be good at this given his favorite pastime.)

WINNER: HOPE SOLO

Congrats, Hope. You destroyed me in all six tests! If you had to give a lazy bum like me one piece of advice about getting in shape, what would it be?

Don’t go to the gym just to go to the gym. I hate when I see people watching TV, having conversations, and barely breaking a sweat. When I’m on the treadmill, I’m busting my ass. So don’t talk; just work your butt off.

Would you ever date a nonathlete?

I’ve dated guys who maybe aren’t elite athletes and don’t have great habits.

How low would you go? Like, would you date someone who never goes to the gym and eats burgers all the time?

Oh, no, definitely no one who only eats burgers.

Damn! You were very polite to me during the competition.Do you talk trash on the soccer field?

Yes, we absolutely engage in trash talk, but it’s all out of love. That’s how you build camaraderie with your teammates: You give them shit.

How psyched are you about heading to London for the Olympics?

I am very excited. They have the most gorgeous soccer stadiums in the world. It’s in their blood. Wembley Stadium is a place where every soccer player wants to compete, but they’re only hosting the finals. So that means we have to make it to the end.

Are you excited about the food?

No, I hate British food. But hopefully we’ll have our own chef. Thanks a lot for making me point out the negatives of our journey to the Olympics, by the way!

You must get some incredibly bad pickup lines. Any standouts?

“I hope you’re solo.” Isn’t that bad? And “Hope, can I score on you?” You like that one?

Oof. What about Star Wars ones?

I get Han Solo lines all the time.

Stuff like, “How quickly can you make the Kessel Run?”

No. What?

Never mind. How about we just strike that from the record? Good luck in London!