The Sexiest Everything 2008

Models, murder weapons, 200 mph Italian machines, and 56 other achingly hot people, places, and things.

Sexiest DJ
If your first question is, “What kind of music does she spin?” you need to throw away your glow sticks and buy pants that actually fit. The answer, if you must know, is house and electronic. Niki Belucci, 24, is a Hungarian ex-porn star who’s been spinning topless at packed clubs and festivals from Russia to Colombia for the past four years. She’s a star in Europe and poised to hit the States. If you haven’t screened her work in Private X-Treme 7: Body Shock, check out YouTube videos of her on the job. She’s so hot she makes the thought of standing in a room full of drunk, unwashed Euros sound appealing.

Sexiest Superhottie
Take Superman Returns, Batman Begins, and all three Spider-Man flicks, multiply them by Fantastic 4, and you approach how huge the 2010 movie Justice League of Amer­ica is gonna be. The film, like the comic series of the same name, will feature Superman, Batman, the Flash—and Wonder Woman. The lady tapped to fill that skimpy red, white, and blue costume? Australian model Megan Gale. She has little acting experience, but that doesn’t mean she’s not qualified: 5’10”, piercing green eyes, thick brown hair, and a body that could stop any villain in his tracks.

Sexiest TV Ad Girl
Recognize this leggy brunette? Vanessa Rachele has appeared in 23 TV commercials. Rolling Rock, Minute Maid, Pepsi, Allegra—the L.A.-based beauty has been the face (and body) of all of them. But unless you’ve dated her, you’ve never seen her looking this good. She loves Goodfellas, Guns n’ Roses, and racecars. “I’ll kick any guy’s ass any day,” she says of her driving abilities. Oh, really? So Vanessa…

Q: Your most famous TV ad is for Suzuki motorcycles. You’re that babe who straddles a bike out in the Bonneville Salt Flats. Do you really ride?
A: No, but I’ve always wanted to. I like speed bikes. I like the way they’re shaped, the clean lines. I’m a speed bike kind of girl. I like a guy who can ride a motorcycle.

Q: What’s with the racing fetish?
I grew up with speed. My father taught me how to drive a stick-shift Ferrari when I was 12. We’re Italian, and he had a couple of Ferraris.

Q: All this talk of speed is making our rpm gauge redline. Are you a bad girl?
Good girl, bad girl…I guess I have horns on my head. That’s what holds up the halo.

Q: We’ll come out and say it. You have an incredible body. Are you a workout queen?
My idea of working out is cleaning my house. But I’m also a dancer. That’s my other forte—dancing. For TV ad castings, I always get called in to dance or be the bad girl.

Q: Ever do both at the same time?
Every Friday night!

Sexiest ILFS

MILF: Halle Berry
If her kid doesn’t grow up with a massive Oedipus complex, something is seriously wrong with him.

GILF: Helen Mirren
Her talent has earned her Academy Awards and BAFTAs. Don’t get us wrong; we’d still plow her if she were a McDonald’s cashier and lived with 73 cats.

FLILF: Elizabeth Kucinich
There is only one reason to vote for Dennis Kucinich for president in November, and this potential first lady is it.

BILF: Hardee’s Country Breakfast Burrito
It contains 60 grams of fat and 920 calories of deliciousness. Let’s just say it puts us in the mood.

Sexiest Indie Rock Babes

The Pierces: The title of this duo’s latest single, “Boring,” says a lot about their quirky music. Still, we’d love to have the Alabama-bred sisters (Allison, left, and Catherine) in heavy rotation.

Sharin Foo: The Raveon­ettes’ bassist and vocalist stalks the stage like a Norse goddess (she’s Danish), purring fuzz-drenched come-ons like the love child of Nico and Lou Reed.

Jenny Lewis: Rilo Kiley’s Jenny Lewis is the geek-rock crush of the moment, following the 2007 release of Under the Blacklight, her band’s fourth CD. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Sexiest New Athlete
Look for this lovely—Anna Rawson, a 26-year-old Los Angeles– based swinger—to single-handedly bring real sexpot cred to women’s golf in the years to come. As a rookie on the Ladies European Tour in 2007, she finished 29th on the New Star Money List. Look out, women’s tennis. The hotness quotient suddenly got a whole lot higher for the LPGA.

Sexiest Up-and-Coming Actress
Amber Heard
Catch the 21-year-old cine-vixen in Never Back Down, out March 14.

Sexiest Hunk of A/V Equipment
Take a look. Are you thinking what we’re thinking? Wear a condom, wouldja? Italian designer Giorgio Revoldini—known for turning deadly-dull objects into product porn—dreamed up the SIM2 Grand Cinema C3X projector. This hottie’s chassis is molded in Ferrari red (and comes in three other colors). Thanks to three DarkChip 4DLP chips, the thing blasts ultrablack blacks, a supersharp picture (1080p), and a filmlike contrast ratio of 10,000:1.

Sexiest Thing on Two Wheels
The smoke-spitting twin chrome exhaust cannons on this Star Raider S make us want to hurl our watches into the dust and head across the country in search of hot hippies and fisticuffs. New for ’08, the S model adds more chrome to the Raider for a more custom chopper feel. Between your legs: a 113-cubic inch air-cooled V-twin.
Sexiest New Kink Trend
Nothing turns us on like a current of electricity coursing through our genitals. Electronic stimulation machines aren’t vibrators; they’re more like jumper cables. The Super Deluxe Violet Wand Kit, for example, comes with all manner of attachments. “They’re great for stimulation,” says Stockroom.com CEO Joel Tucker, who hawks the $622 machine. “Or torture, as the case may be.”

Sex Drive
Italian supercars are like Italian fashion models: blazing hot, a little bitchy, and built for speed. The latest cat­walker: Alfa Romeo’s 8C Competizione, the first new Alfa bound for American shores in 14 years (set to arrive this fall). Under the hood: a 4.7-liter 32-valve V-8 that delivers 450 horse­power’s worth of bitchiness. Married to a six-speed paddle-shifter, you’re looking at roughly a four-second 0–60. Top end: about 185 mph. Only 85 of these beauties will come to America, and like all things Alfa, they’re going fast. You’re more likely to get your hands on Monica Bellucci.

Sexiest Phone Accessory
Behind the invention of every new technology is some smarty-pants with either a hard-on or an evil plan to rule the world. Or both! Take the Boditalk Escort vibrator. Place it within a three-foot radius of your girlfriend’s cellie, program in the number, and it’ll start buzzing when a call comes in.

Sexiest Coffee-Table Book
The book Do It Yourself poses a question: What happens when you give a bunch of young babes their own cameras, tell them to dream up their most far-fetched erotic fantasies, and then come back the next day? It’s a study in style and the female libido. The subjects shoot themselves—using mirrors or a remote shutter button. Think posers, masturbators, nude contortionists, and every one of them smoking. Photographer Uwe Ommer got the idea for the book when he caught a baby-sitter toying with his Polaroid. Don’t miss Ommer’s other hot coffee-table books, Black Ladies and Asian Ladies.taschen.com, $40

Sexiest Sound Machines
Ross Lovegrove, designer of the iconic iMac, co-created these insanely curvaceous (and priced) lust objects for British manu­facturer KEF, who’ll produce a limited edition of 100 sets. The Muon speaker stands more than six feet tall. The aluminum body holds a four-way speaker system mounted to the front and two booming bass drivers in the rear. Wanna bring sexy audio to your pad? Either drop $140,000 on a pair or hire Rihanna to do a two-month residency.

Sexiest Watch
In the early 1950s, the Carrera Panamericana car race, which ran from the southern tip of Mexico to the Rio Grande, was the sexiest and deadliest in the world. Porsche named a car after it (the iconic Carrera). The race also inspired this watch: Tag Heuer’s Grand Carrera, first launched in 1964 and relaunched this year. The automatic winding 40.2 mm timepiece has a curved sapphire crystal and a double sapphire crystal case-back. It won’t hit 160 mph, but it’ll tell time in style.

Sexiest Pocket Gizmo
Plug this five-inch-long DJ system into any amp and you’ve got an instant house party. Tonium’s Pacemaker holds 120 gigs of music and has two channels (like two turntables), so you can fade a tune into another. Work the “knobs” to tweak pitch and speed.

Sexiest Murder Weapon
Every dude needs a kitchen blade for all tasks—including scaring your loved ones shitless. Our pick? Brieto’s lust-worthy Yo-Deba, a chef’s knife crafted from a single piece of hammered, high-carbon stainless steel. Ideal for cutting meat on the bone.

Sexiest Fashion Accessory
She says: “Hey, that’s beau­tiful.” You say: “Thanks, sweetheart. It’s a black studded money clip from Burberry. So how much do I owe you for the hour?” Answer: “For you? It’s free.”

Sexiest Blog
Confessions of a College Callgirl is exactly what it sounds like: the diary of a Manhattan college student who (purportedly) has dabbled in the world of hookerdom. It’s also smart, funny, and self-deprecating. And the (unnamed) call girl didn’t even charge for the time it took to answer our questions. That must mean she really likes us!

Q: You write a sexy blog, but is your job actually sexy?
A: Just like any random anonymous sex with strangers, sometimes it’s sexy and sometimes it’s disappointing. I write more about the unsexy times, because they’re funnier and more interesting. But I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t enjoying myself at least part of the time.

Q: Is there anything that turns you on anymore?
A: I like sex to be a little bit dirty and unusual. Making sweet love on satin sheets is never going to do it for me. Spank me, talk dirty, use some toys, get creative! Some nice, witty banter with an intellectual equal is the best foreplay, however.

Q: I like sex to be a little bit dirty and unusual. Making sweet love on satin sheets is never going to do it for me. Spank me, talk dirty, use some toys, get creative! Some nice, witty banter with an intellectual equal is the best foreplay, however.
A: A lot of people think I’m a dude because they can’t imagine a woman being so into sex and not ashamed of it. But all of it happened. I try to be really honest and describe things exactly—and I do get turned on writing the sex scenes in detail.

Sexiest Aphrodisiac
It’s a tie…

Green M&M’s: Green-only bags are coming for Valentine’s Day. Green is the universal color of horniness. Coat some milk chocolate with it and you’re in business.

Viagra Oysters: Eyeing the Asian market, Australian oyster farmer George May started tossing pulverized Viagra pills into his oyster tanks. The little buggers absorb the blue boner pills, creating the ultimate appetizer: Viagra Oysters. Genius. How did we not think of this?

Sexiest Passage from the Bible
From the Song of Solomon:
Your breasts are like gazelles,
twin deer among the lilies…
Your lips, my bride, drip honey;
Honey and milk are under your tongue…
I have undressed; why should I ever get dressed again.

Jesus Christ, that’s hot.

Bed Rock: Best CD for…

A one night stand:Cease to Begin, Band of Horses

Drunk sex:Fancy Footwork, Chromeo

Sex with your first cousin:The Wolf, Shooter Jennings

Backseat sex:Frank, Amy Winehouse

Sexiest Scientific Discovery
Cheers to the eggheads at the University of Lausanne, Switzerland. Researchers have found a gene in cichlid fish informally called the Oral Sex Gene. Males blessed with this gene develop fake eggs on their anal fins. The female sees the fake eggs and swims in to try to “rescue” them. The male fish then squirts his mini-me’s into the female’s mouth, where her eggs are. No word on whether she spits or swallows.

Sexiest Airline
When it comes to in-flight flirtation, we prefer the female attendants on Singapore Airlines. They embody the idyllic cabin goddess known as the Singapore Girl—winged geishas tending to passengers’ every need while clad in skintight sarong kebeyas. Any wonder that the company has turned a profit for 30 straight years?

Sexiest Bar
Step into the Subway Inn on Manhattan’s ritzy Upper East Side and you can smell the livers rotting. In the bathroom: a gnarly urinal. Is that some guy’s toupee in there? Hard to tell. Welcome to New York’s skankiest dive. Curiously, it’s also a beacon for beauties, a place where “Come here often?” actually works.

Sexiest Fire Extinguisher
When your girlfriend asks why an oversize sex toy has pride of place on your kitchen (or meth-lab) counter, it’s a good time to give her a tutorial on fire safety. This fire extinguisher was meant to be seen. Its grip and trigger are designed for easy operation with one hand.

Things That Are Supposed to Be Sexy But Aren’t
Girls who are really into sports
Sex on the beach (both the drink and the activity)
Saxophones
Female cops
Tickling
A woman holding a whip
Two girls and a cup
Lap dances
Women riding horseback naked
Massage therapists
Real Sex on HBO
Cream pies
The poetry of Edna St. Vincent Millay
Hula dancers
Nipple rings
Matt Damon: Sexiest man alive? Please!

Sexiest Freak Fetishisms

All you dendrophiles (people who engage in sexual activities with evergreen or deciduous trees), check this oak out, man. You don’t grow bark like that if you don’t want it.

We just don’t get sploshing, the act of smearing food on another person during sex. Rather than kicking back with a cigarette afterward, you gotta get up and do the dishes.

Looners get off on the sight of big, shiny, colorful balloons, preferably being held by hot broads. If this picture gives you an erection, congratulations—you have officially joined the club. You scare us.

Sexiest Sex
You’ll need a ’66 Chevy Super Nova with reinforced struts, a warm starry night, a secluded construction site, and the dream girl of your choice. Call us if you have any questions.

Sexiest Calendar
In 2006 two L.A.-based geeks pooled their life savings—about $30,000—and created the 2007 Nerdcore calendar, featuring hot, semiclothed women playing video games. The calendar turned a profit, which these geeks spent on the 2008 version—Heroes/Villains—featuring hottie superheroes peeling off their uniforms. “Nerdcore isn’t just tits,” says 25-year-old co-creator Jon Gibson. “It’s about exploiting all the great things in pop culture.” Whatever, Poindexter—nudity doesn’t hurt.

The Sexiest…
Porn flickThe first one you ever saw
Vacation spot Thailand
Drink order (woman) “Bourbon neat, with a Budweiser back.”
Place to live Marisa Miller’s house
Soap star Danica Stewart as Jessica Bennett on Passions
Foreign accent Israeli (it’s the new French)
Vibrator The Isis from Emotional Bliss
Novel Crash, by J.G. Ballard
JobMissionary
Video game girl Nariko from Heavenly Sword
Web TV show “Pants-off Dance-off” on Fuse
Hotel roomThe Penthouse at the Setai in Miami, $25K a night
Pizza toppingFried clams
Way to die Serial killer
Beer brand Any of the ones that advertise in this magazine
Font Courier
ConstellationVulpecula
Speech“I have a dream!”