Our movie-previewing dogs weigh in on the new John McClane flick, plus Safe Haven and Beautiful Creatures.
A Good Day To Die Hard
Out Feb 13, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox
Holly's take:
“Come on, like you need me to tell you what I think about a new Die Hard movie! Obviously, I’m onboard with this all the way – it’s Bruce Willis fighting terrorists in Russia, for God’s sake! It’s what America’s all about! Sure, none of the sequels have come close to topping (or even matching, really) the first one, but I can’t help myself - if John McClane is yippee ki-yaying at people who fuck their mothers, I’m going to be watching. Especially if it’s my brother, Ruffles. I know we’re dogs and everything, but there’s really no excuse for him trying to hump mom like that.”
Dexter's take:
“I’m going to preface everything I’m about to say by stating the obvious: I’m going to go and see this movie, because I’m a male dog and I can’t help myself. That said, I’m not expecting to be blown away, so to speak. I think every Die Hard movie has its merits – the third one definitely doesn’t get enough credit – but each one has slowly moved John McClane away from being an every man stuck in a terrible situation and pushed him further and further into just being an indestructible superman. Which is fine in terms of general action movie tropes, but what made McClane so popular was the fact that guys could imagine being him without the giant leap it would take for them to be, say, Arnie in Commando. This, alongside the studio’s decision to saddle him with a partner in recent outings (in this case, his son, who’s conveniently some kind of secret agent), has made him less and less relatable, which is a shame, because that’s the key to his popularity in the first place. Well, that and the explosions, which, don’t worry, it looks like there are plenty of. I suggest having a few beers with some buddies, going along, turning your brain off and enjoying the hell out of it. Because it’s sure as heck going to be better than anything else out this week, as we’re sadly about to discover…”
Billie's take:
“I MISUNDERSTOOD THE MOVIE’S TAGLINE AND KAYAKED TO RUSSIA. I FEEL STUPID.”
Safe Haven
Out Feb 14, Rated PG-13
Photo Courtesy of Relativity Media
Holly's take:
“The good news is, although I vomited three times just watching the trailer, I did at least finally manage to puke up that Lego Darth Vader I swallowed two Christmases ago that’s been irritating my large intestine. The bad news is, some of you poor suckers are going to get dragged to see this movie on Valentine’s Day, and to all of you, you have my most heartfelt sympathies. I wouldn’t wish this movie on anyone.”
Dexter's take:
“Oh, Christ. Another Valentine’s Day, another Nicholas Sparks film. This guy’s like Halloween and Saw movies. This one’s about a girl with a dark past who moves to a sleepy seaside town, falls in love with a conveniently widowed, super-buff bicycle repairman with two adorable children and discovers that their love can conquer all, including, it seems, the federal judicial system. In other words, it’s every Nicholas Sparks movie ever, complete with lines of dialogue that make you groan out loud involuntarily, like, “Why won’t you let him get to know you?” “I’ve had things happen to me in the past.” REALLY, “THINGS”, YOU SAY? HOW INTERESTING. You know, sarcasm isn’t generally a doggy trait – it’s normally more of a cat thing – but I hate the idea of this movie so much I can’t help myself.”
Billie's take:
“WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE BEAT ME TO DEATH WITH THE LIFETIME NETWORK.”
Beautiful Creatures
Out Feb 14, Rated PG-13
Photo Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
Holly's take:
“For the love of God, make it stop! See, this is one of those things that makes me hate Valentine’s Day – all these movies crawl out of the woodwork. This one’s a Twilight wannabe with the subtle and ingenious twist that – gasp! – this time, the girl’s the supernatural one, and the guy’s helplessly in love with her. If you go and see this tweeny bullshit by choice, I will personally come to your house and nip you on the scrotum. And you don’t want none of that, son. Trust.”
Dexter's take:
“If you’re setting a movie in the Deep South, why in God’s name would you cast Emma Thompson and Jeremy Irons – the two most English actors in the entire world – as the leads? I mean, sure, it’ll add yet another layer of comedy to an already clearly unintentionally hilarious film, but still. My only hope is that when idiot teens try to order this movie online, they accidentally end up with Peter Jackson’s incredible Heavenly Creatures and get a lesson in real movie making. Or at the very least get the 2000 British movie Beautiful Creatures, because even though it’s not very good, it does at least have Rachel Weisz in it. See this movie only if you’ve had the same operation the vet performed on me eight years ago.”
Billie's take:
“I THINK MY BUTT JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH.”