What should you see this weekend – Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Movie 43, or John Dies At The End? Our movie-rating dogs help decide!
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
Out Jan 25, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures
Holly’s take:
“On the one hand, this movie looks so stupid that I can’t believe it’s even real. On the other hand, the trailer used a Nine Inch Nails song, so, you know, pros and cons. I suspect that it’s solidly entertaining, dumb fun, so I’m going to go see it while tripping balls off on my intestinal worm pills.”
Dexter’s take:
“Got to admit, I like the idea of this – Hansel and Gretel (of fairy tale fame) all grown up and turned into badass witch hunters. I’m a sucker for anything involving fun updates of classic stories – or at least I was, until Mirror Mirror and Snow White & The Huntsman came out, anyway. This does seem to have a little more balls than those two crapfests, at least, but then, the last time I got excited about an action film with a fun twist on classic monsters, we got Van Helsing, and that was so awful I had to gnaw my own tail off just to stay awake. Short version: I’m keeping an open-ish mind, but not getting my hopes up.”
Billie’s take:
“I WANT TO LIVE IN A HOUSE MADE OF GINGERBREAD! GINGERBREAD IS THE NAME OF NEXT DOOR’S CAT. HE LOOKS ROOMY!”
Photo Courtesy of Jessica Miglio / Relativity Media
Holly’s take:
“Holy ball sacks, have you seen the names attached to this movie? Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Halle Berry, Leslie Bibb, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Hugh Jackman, Greg Kinnear, Johnny Knoxville, Stephen Merchant, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chris Pratt, Dennis Quaid, Emma Stone, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman… and that’s only about half of the cast involved with this supposedly wildly inappropriate comedy. I just…I’m blinded by star power. I don’t see how this one can miss, to be honest. Although that’s what I said about Billy Cundiff in the AFC Championship last year. Fucker cost me two boxes of Snausages!”
Dexter’s take:
“Here’s what we know for sure about Movie 43: It’s a series of related, semi-intertwined stories, involving a huge ensemble cast of big name actors and actresses. You know what else that description could be of? Valentine’s Day, or New Year’s Eve. Admittedly, the talent on display here blows those pieces of crap out of the water, and guys, I want to believe this will be awesome, so don’t think I’m dumping on this movie, but just for the sake of playing devil’s advocate, I’m going to put it out there: This could be the greatest comedy ever, but it could also end up a big mess. In the meantime, I’m keeping my paws crossed, because even the trailer made me laugh so hard I threw up marrowbone jelly out of my nose.”
Billie’s take:
“THIS MOVIE MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD THAT I POOPED! I DON’T MEAN MOVIE 43, I MEAN THIS HOME MOVIE I’M WATCHING OF ME POOPING.”
John Dies At The End
Out Jan 25, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of Magnet Releasing
Holly’s take:
“This looks like a full-on brain-fuck of a film, but it also looks great, so I’m fine with that. On the surface it’s about two college drop-outs trying to save humanity from an invasion by another dimension that’s being caused by a popular new drug called Soy Sauce, but you can bet that’s only scratching the surface of the weirdness here. Of course, I can only ever scratch the surface of anything, since I’m only able to scratch with my back feet.”
Dexter’s take:
“Talking of weird mixes of talent, this is a fascinating one. It’s based on a book written by the very funny David Wong (who many of you are probably familiar with from his writing on comedy site Cracked.com), stars Paul “I don’t care what you put me in, I’m still going to be brilliant in it” Giamatti, and is directed by Don Coscarelli, who brought us the awesomely weird Bubba Ho-Tep. Like watching next door’s pit-bull get boned by the psychotic wiener dog from down the street, even if this ends badly, it’s still going to be interesting to see how it plays out.”
Billie’s take:
“SORRY, I DON’T LIKE WEIRD THINGS. I’M JUST GOING TO GET RIGHT BACK TO WHAT I WAS DOING. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, FOLKS.”
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