Illustrated for Maxim by Andy MacGregor | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
So how do you want to go?
I want to go out like I came in: naked and screaming until someone stuffs a titty in my mouth.
Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Help! I’m fucking dying!
Your new stand-up flick is called Let Me Explain. Before you go, anything you would like to have explained to you?
Yeah. Why in the hell can’t the Philadelphia Eagles ever win the fucking Super Bowl?
Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why?
I will initially be sent to hell, but they’ll soon find out that I don’t meet the height requirement. It’s a well-known fact that tall people are evil.
Will you still perform stand-up there?
I performed in a bowling alley before while people were still bowling. Cut the check and I will perform anywhere.
Which deceased comic would you be most excited to see perform in the afterlife?
I would love to see Robin Harris do his thing. The more important question is, who would be my date to the show, Aaliyah or Whitney Houston?
If you get to heaven, are you still 5'2", or do you get to choose your height?
First of all, I’m 5'4". Secondly, that is an awful rumor being spread about me, that I’m only 5'2". Thirdly, I don’t have a third statement. I just know you always have to make a third point when you count out points.
Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
I want to punch the midget who robbed me when I was 12 years old. I really liked that bike.
What’s your last meal?
Twelve chicken wings with blue cheese fed to me by the one-armed stripper I met in Cumberland, Kentucky. I never knew that you don’t need arms to strip…
While you were alive, what did you spend the most money on?
Very expensive designer shoes to hide my very ugly feet.
What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?
I ripped that tag off of a mattress.
What woman did you always want to sleep with?
The lady at the DMV. I love women with attitude.
Describe your funeral.
I will have a chocolate waterfall that fills my coffin and Milli Vanilli rapping a 2 Chainz song. Everybody has to come wearing polka dots.
You’ve joked about the anxiety of being a pallbearer. Are you still going to make people schlep around your coffin?
No! I’m small enough that they can roll my coffin out on top of a couple of skateboards.
Got any last words?
An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.
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