Have you ever wondered if your dog enjoys all the junk you watch on TV? Truth is, they probably don't - but now they can. DOGTV recently premiered on DirecTV, a channel devoted to - you guessed it - programming specifically tailored to dogs. But what about all the shows you want to watch? Don't worry - there's a middle ground. Here's what your dog enjoys about TV, and some suggestions for what to watch with him.
Photo: Brian Asmussen / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
1. The Constant Action
According to this SocialTimes article, dogs get very excited by rapidly moving objects and high-pitched, squeaky sounds, which probably explains why they watch you so intently when you're trying to masturbate. They don't have very long attention spans, but then, neither do you when you're browsing YouPorn, right?
The Recommendation: Wipeout. This whole show could have been made just for dogs: The quick, random action; the sound effects; the giant rubber balls… Put this on and watch your dog get immediately caught up in the action. Then later, suspect him of laughing the first time you trip over something and fall face first into the fish pond.
2. The Landscapes
USA Today writes, “Fido can chill out in front of a TV screen that shows continuous three-to-five-minute videos of "relaxing" content such as landscapes and 'stimulating' content such as dogs running.” Let’s face it: All your dog wants to do is roam free in a huge field for hours and hours (and hours).
The Recommendation: Downton Abbey. The 1920s English countryside? Classical music? A luxurious house? Be careful, your dog may just get so relaxed in front of that TV that they won’t want to run in real life ever again. It may also start talking in a British accent, and there's nothing worse than your dog sounding smarter than you.
3. The Noises
DOGTV CEO Gilad Neumann tells Forbes, “We expose dogs to more challenging situations like doorbells, vacuum cleaners, riding in cars, children - things that they tend to be more stressful around. With the right volume of content we help them, basically, deal with it better.” In other words, it's good to get your dog used to the not-so-quiet stuff.
The Recommendation: Sons of Anarchy. If your dog can get used to cars, they might as well get used to motorcycles, right? And why not throw in gunshots? And catfights? And Ron Perlman? Once they've heard a carnival clown get castrated, that doorbell's not going to seem like such a big deal anymore.
4. The Music
Scientific American says that dogs need “sounds and music to stay within a specific frequency range to keep canine viewers from being startled or agitated.” If dogs are anything like us, we're guessing the desired frequency falls well outside the range of Nancy Grace's voice.
The Recommendation: American Idol. Bland, predictable noises? The constant cattle-like lowing of the audience? A judge that always says “dog”? It's perfect! The only downside is, even your dog may feel that this show is an insult to its intelligence.
5. The Colors
HumaneSociety.org says that, “Because dogs can’t see red and green, the programs are specially colored to enhance picture details.” Wait, so dogs can’t celebrate Christmas?
The Recommendation: Golf. Although golf features huge greens (literally), the picture details will more than make up for the colorblindness. Plus, golf features constant quiet and balls flying through the air. Just be careful your dog doesn’t lunge at the TV, or worse, start wearing plaid pants.