Ari Shaffir’s Dos and Don’ts for Productive Stoners

The host of This Is Not Happening gives a few tips for modern tokers.

Ari Shaffir may unseat McConaughey as the hardest working stoner in show business. The bi-coastal comic, who’s new show/mini-series/anthology This Is Not Happeningshowcases comedians telling wild true stories, is either friendly with every headliner going or very generous with some excellent weed. How else do you explain his nabbing Rob Corddry, Keegan-Michael Key, Marc Maron, Steve Rannazzisi, and Paul Scheer as guest while also putting out a standup special and rolling blunts?

“On days I don’t smoke I’ll end up bragging about it,” Shaffir says. “Like it’s of note that I didn’t smoke pot all day.” 

We asked Shaffir to tap into his vast smoking experience and offer some tips for smokers who want to have a toke or two, but don’t want to spend the day scooping nacho dust out of their belly buttons. Of course, you shouldn’t expect to suddenly become as funny as Shaffir just because you’re stoned all the time now. 

Do Be Aggressive

“If you wait for one hit to kick in you might not get another hit before it’s gone. That joint is going to be wasted. You can’t have that. So just keep smoking it and if you get way too high that’s awesome.”

Don’t Be Weird

“Don’t go up to people and be like, ‘Oh you’re smoking pot, can I have some?’ Or the thing where people are like, ‘Something smells good over here!’ Get it yourself. Leave them alone.”

Do Be an Educated Consumer

“Where you should buy weed depends on where you live. If you live in LA you can just go to the store on the corner on Hollywood Boulevard. But delivery service is best. This isn’t the eighties. Ask a friend who is pothead to recommend you to one. Don’t get it off the street. I’ve bought it like that in New York and it was bad. You feel like such a degenerate that way.

Don’t Apologize

“Here’s how you don’t get paranoid: I watched my other friends when they were high and realized I couldn’t tell when they had smoked. So no one can tell when you’re high either. So if you don’t say ‘Sorry, I’m high,’ then you’ll be fine. Maybe don’t talk either.”

Do Watch Sci-Fi

Interstellar or Gravity are good weed movies, but plot-heavy movies like The Hunger Games are too complicated. Weed also makes you see through bad acting. If there’s a slight flaw in their acting game, it’s so apparent. Like when you watch The Wire you’ll see that one lesbian cop is not as good as the other ones.”

Don’t Watch Law & Order: SVU

“I like to watch people and just stare at them when I’m high. I’ll just walk around New York and watch people on the streets. But if you want to watch TV, don’t watch serious dramas. It makes stuff like Family Guy way funnier.”

Do Eat

“I love gummy bears, pretzels of all kinds, popcorn, Doritos – those are all healthy snacks. Go salty and sweet back and forth, maybe transition with a Butterfinger or a Payday.”

Don’t Shop

I would advise that if you go grocery shopping high, you should eat before. Otherwise you’ll buy weird stuff or stuff you really won’t eat. I definitely recommend keeping frozen corn dogs in your freezer. Like, ‘Am I a corndog person?’ And I am.” 

Do Have Sex

“If you have not tried fucking when you’re high, do it. It changes the game.”

Maybe Don’t Drive

“Don’t drive early on, not until you get the hang of it. I’ve fallen asleep at red lights before. Not like passed out, but like I’ve put the parking break on and reclined my seat and taken a nap. It’s oddly safer, even when it’s dangerous.”

Photos by Chelsea Lauren / WireImage