“Arkham Origins” Made Us Realize Batman Is Actually Santa Claus

Nine reasons Santa’s making a list, checking it twice, then punching a clown in the face.

The new Batman: Arkham Origins is set on Christmas in Gotham City as a young Batman takes out Gotham’s villains while escaping the eight assassins who are trying to collect the bounty on his head. As we’ve devoted the past week to playing the game, some interesting coincidences crop up that simply can’t be ignored. We put on our sleuthing hats and crunched the “data” and have come to only one conclusion: The Caped Crusader is none other than Father Christmas himself. Here’s how we know.

Santa works one night per year and nobody seems to question what he’s doing with the other 364 nights. We’ll tell you what he’s doing. Fighting Crime. Because Santa Claus IS Batman.

No one has ever seen Batman and Bruce Wayne together. No one has ever seen Santa and Bruce Wayne together. This is not a coincidence.

Naughty and Nice list for almost 7 billion people on Earth? Can’t be done without a Bat Computer. Ask the NSA, they tried.

Now that you have that naughty and nice list, what do you do with it? You give the nice ones presents on Christmas and you give the naughty ones justice every other day of the year.

Ever hear about Santa’s parents? No, you don’t. Because they were murdered in an alley behind an opera house by Joe Chill.

You think Santa’s Elves are making that PS4 you’re getting for Christmas? Wise up, dummy. There’s no such thing as elves and toys don’t magically appear, they cost money. Lots of money. Major corporation money. Wayne Enterprises money.

“…But Santa has a big belly and a beard,” you say. Well, Batman wears a cape and cowl. It’s called a disguise, and you use it to protect your loved ones from harm when baddies like the Joker and the Grinch have you in their crosshairs. You’re welcome, Alfred.

Research and Development for Applied Sciences? Yeah, that’s just a fancy name for Santa’s Workshop. When Jack Nicholson’s Joker asks “Where does he get those wonderful toys?” it’s a nod to exactly what we’re talking about. Jack was in on the secret and now you are, too.

So how do we explain the fact that Santa has been around much longer than Batman? Simple: Time travel. We’ve seen Batman go back in time before in the story arc of Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne, where Bats was a caveman, a pilgrim, a pirate, and a gunslinger. What was to stop him from starting the Kris Kringle story during his travels? Nothing. Nothing at all.

So there you have it, Batman is Santa Claus. Not proof enough? See for yourself. Our recommended method of testing the hypothesis is to go try to mug somebody* in a dark alley in Gotham City on Christmas Eve. When you wake up the next day with coal in the stocking that’s hanging from your hospital room’s breathing machine, we think you’ll see it our way.

*Maxim does not ever recommend actually mugging someone or harming anyone at all, for that matter. Just take our word for it.

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