Much like Greek yogurt, bison burgers, and the current genre of house music ending in “step,” wrapping everything in bacon was a shitty and indulgent trend that seems like it’s finally on its way out the door. And I don’t say that as a personal vendetta against bacon (super anti Greek yogurt though, it’s basically just sour cream). I love bacon. I’m all about it. Bacon is easily a top four breakfast meat that’s also made from a pig, which is why it’s so hard to watch mouth-breathing assholes wrap everything they can in bacon and expect a fucking award.
There are appropriate and inappropriate uses for bacon—though I stand by my turkey decision whole heartedly—and perhaps the most appropriate use is wrapping it around some cheese-stuffed jalapeños. It just makes sense. You get the spicy to counter the fatty, the salty to counter the creamy, and since it’s almost college bowl season, and you need to get your game day food on lock. Plus, it’s totally low-carb. Maybe. I don’t really know what carb is.
Here’s what you need:
- Cream Cheese
- Cheddar Cheese
Grab yourself the biggest jalapeños you can find at the grocery store. I’m all for organic farming but now’s not the time to think of environmental efficacy; you want those big, genetically modified, cheese-payload-maximizing motherfuckers.
With a tiny paring knife, slice off the stem and hollow out the core — seeds, ribs, and all —then rinse the insides out with warm water and drain thoroughly. "But why would you deliberately reduce the heat? Doesn’t that defeat the point?” you might ask, very masculinely. Because the less spicy the jalapeños are, the more you can cram in your mouth without tearing up your insides. It takes a real man to be concerned about digestive health.
Stuff each pepper, almost to its bright green brim, with cream cheese. Then take a single log of cheddar and shove it right in the middle. All the jalapeño poppers in the freezer aisle make you choose between cream cheese and cheddar stuffed, but this is America, isn’t it? It’s your birthright to not have to choose between bacon-wrapped cheeses.
After your peppers are adequately cheesed, wrap them in bacon. This is a deceptively intricate process, don’t take it lightly. Take note of the geometry going on in the photo. You’re going to wrap the bacon around the pepper horizontally first, like the pattern on a barber’s pole (do barber’s have poles anymore?). Then you’re going to take a second strip and wrap it around the pepper vertically, so it securely fastens the first strip in place. Use a toothpick to stab in the loose bacon ends.
Place all your bacon bombs on a baking rack and throw them in the oven for approximately 35 minutes at 375 degrees. Or until the bacon looks good and ready. If you like soggy bacon, you like soggy bacon. That’s totally cool, you know, provided you’re OK with being a fucking monster. Take them out of the oven and let rest for at least 10 minutes. It’s been at least three days since the last molten cheese accident, and we’re trying to keep that streak going.
Still hungry? Check out the other installments of Bite Club here.