How do you make your significant other feel truly special on Valentine’s Day? Flowers? Sure, if you want to show them how shitty your taste is in useless decorations that die in like 3 days, creating a weird metaphor for your relationship in the process. A box of chocolates? No, you fucking moron.
You do something that you really hate doing but you know means a lot to them and then you show a good deal of anguish in the process and half-fake an emotional breakdown because your cake wasn’t as molten as it should have been (or whatever it is you failed at), thus invoking a wave of pity affection. And that, right there — that’s called love.
And you know what I really fucking hate and am also terrible at, but not terrible enough to dissuade you from following this recipe? Baking. Baking these molten whiskey chocolate cakes creates the perfect storm of nightmares to get that power balance back on your side and show them that you care enough to suffer. Also, there’s whiskey!
Here’s What You'll Need:
- Baking cocoa
- Sour cream
- Semisweet chocolate chips
- White chocolate chips
Start out by making a simple white chocolate whiskey ganache. It’s great that that’s even a phrase right? Simple white chocolate whiskey ganache. Make yourself a double boiler by putting a large sauce pot with 1 inch of water in it on high heat and covering it with a metal mixing bowl. You can secure the mixing bowl in place by putting a few damp paper towels on the edges. The friction will help keep it in place while you mix — hashtag science!
When the water comes to a boil, reduce the heat down to medium low and add 5 ounces of the white chocolate chips, two shots of whiskey (I used rye because that’s what I had on hand, but feel free to use your favorite), 2 tablespoons of butter, and the zest of half an orange.
Whisk all those things together, and, when melted, pour onto a sheet pan lined with greased parchment paper and spread it out evenly. Pop that bad boy in the freezer for about twenty minutes to cool, then pool all of the ganache in the middle of the parchment paper and roll it into a cylinder. Freeze that for another 30 minutes.
Now you gotta make a cake, which totally blows because, as we’ve stated before, baking is a fucking nightmare. Since the last time I tried to bake a cake without a recipe I was hammered drunk and ended up eating a bunch of eggshells (true story!), I typed “simple chocolate cake” into my browser. And this recipe came up. Thanks to the homie Martha Stewart for hooking it up with the reliable recipes and rock solid interior design and home gardening advice.
To paraphrase my girl Marth: In a medium bowl, sift together ¾ cup cocoa, ¾ cup flour, ½ tsp baking powder, and ¼ teaspoon salt; set aside. In a mixing bowl, cream ¾ cup butter and 1 cup sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in 3 eggs, one at a time. Reduce your mixer speed to low. Add flour mixture alternating with ½ cup sour cream, starting and ending with the flour mixture.
Nailed it, Martha. Now, take some tiny cake pans lined with parchment paper and pour in one inch of batter. Take your frozen ganache rod (sexualize all the desserts!) and slice it into 2 inch rounds. Place a round of frozen ganache into the batter, then pour more on top to cover. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes, or until a cake taster comes out clean.
Take them cakes out of their cake pan shells, garnish with powdered sugar, some orange peel, and a maraschino cherry. Crack it open and hope to fuck that it’s molten inside and the ganache didn’t leak out the bottom. If it isn’t, just lose all your shit and punch through the cake and reflect on the fact that all your inadequacies shamefully manifest themselves in violence against baked goods. No? Just me? Fuck it, Happy Valentine’s Day.
Still hungry? Check out the other installments of Bite Club here.