Dog Movie Previews: “Getaway,” “Closed Circuit,” & “One Direction: This Is Us”
What can you expect from this weekend’s big movies? Let’s ask the Maxim dogs!
Out August 29, Rated PG-13
Photo: Simon Varsano/ Warner Bros. Entertainment
Holly’s take:
“If you have a youngish kid that’s a fan of both Fast & Furious and Wizards Of Waverly Place, are you in for a treat! This one’s about a former racing driver who, accompanied by carjacker-turned-partner Selena Gomez, is trying to save his kidnapped wife by following the orders of the bad guy. Said bad guy is only shown in shadows throughout the trailer and speaks in a hilarious eastern European accent, which makes me think the surprise twist will be that he’s Ernst Stavro Blofeld, although rather than world domination, he mostly seems to want his victim to drive through a series of increasingly large explosions. It looks like a fun, if forgettable way to spend a couple hours if you have a nephew or two to entertain. I tend to avoid taking my nephews to the theater, since I have 952 of them and I have to re-mortgage my kennel every time I buy popcorn.”
Dexter’s take:
“Wow. You know it’s a slow movie week when we’re opening with a PG-13 car chase movie starring Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez. This looks like it’s aimed very much at the tween action audience, although why they’d cast the emaciated-looking Hawke in the lead role of such a movie is a mystery. Don’t get me wrong, the guy can be really good, but do 12-year-olds really give a shit about him?”
Billie’s take:
“THIS FILM IS RATED PG-13, FOR ‘INTENSE ACTION, VIOLENCE, AND MAYHEM THROUGHOUT, SOME RUDE GESTURES AND LANGUAGE.’ PERSONALLY, I’M JUST GOING FOR THE RUDE GESTURES. THEY’RE MY FAVORITE!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hM7BB16PkAw
Out August 28, Rated R
Photo: Jay Maidment / Focus
Holly’s take:
“Courtroom thrillers normally send me to the land of go-the-fuck-to-sleep, but this looks like a classy, interesting mix of spies vs. terrorism shenanigans and paranoid lawyer-type drama. I’m not saying I definitely won’t nod off halfway through, but I’ll at least try not to have one of those rabbit-chasing dreams where I snort myself awake and run headfirst into the wall.”
Dexter’s take:
“Of all the mainstream-ish movies out this week, this one’s probably your best bet for something a little more meaty. It’s a British thriller about two lawyers assigned to defend an accused terrorist bomber, who stumble onto the fact that something’s being covered up by the secret service. Word has it that it’s a little dry and could do with a few more actual thrills to live up to that ‘thriller’ tag, but it’s written by the guy who wrote David Cronenberg’s awesome Eastern Promises, so I have faith that it’ll at least keep you intrigued to the end credits. Fun fact: In England, every film ends with the audience standing and saluting as they play the national anthem! Ok, that isn’t true, but it’s a very fun thing to tell a friend who’s going there on vacation.”
Billie’s take:
“’CLOSED CIRCUIT TV’ IS THE BRITISH WORD FOR A SECURITY CAMERA. THEY’RE ALSO KNOWN LOCALLY AS ‘SNOOPING JIMMIES,’ ‘LENTICULAR URCHIN-SWOOPERS,’ AND ‘MATRON’S GOOGLY-EYES.’”
Out August 29, Rated PG
Photo: Christie Goodwin/ Sony Pictures
Holly’s take:
“This is a documentary about what it’s like to be a member of chart-topping, global music sensations One Direction and OH GOD JUST KILL ME NOW I CAN’T EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE WITHOUT BLOOD POURING OUT OF MY EYES AND ANUS.”
Dexter’s take:
“The first line in this trailer is someone comparing this manufactured TV talent show group of dancing muppets to The Beatles, which might be the single most offensive thing anyone says all year. At least 30 seconds of the below trailer (the shortest one we could possibly find) is just them jumping into a swimming pool repeatedly, so make of that what you will. Personally, I’m going to make it into a flaming pile of wreckage shaped suspiciously like the One Direction tour bus.”
Billie’s take:
“ONE DIRECTION ARE MY FAVORITE BAND IN THE WHOLE WORLD! ALTHOUGH I’LL BE HONEST, BEING A DOG, I OFTEN HAVE TROUBLING DISTINGUISHING THE SOUND FREQUENCY OF THEIR MUSIC FROM THAT OF A HORSE VIOLENTLY SHITTING ITSELF TO DEATH.”
Check out Dog Movie Reviews: The World’s End, and 10 Rules For Committing A Robbery (When You’re Being Filmed By Security Cameras)