How to Survive Without Football
Unless you’re a Bills fan. Then, just enjoy your respite.
As the NFL closed the door on yet another exciting season (with a truly unexciting Super Bowl), we couldn’t help but feel a little (ok, a lot) despondent at the prospect of living without football for the foreseeable future. So we took the liberty of putting together a guide to help fill the hole in your life where football used to be.
If You Enjoy: Regional Rivalries
You Should Try: Bar Brawls
(Photo: “From Here to Eternity”/ Columbia Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
You don’t need the Giants-Eagles game to throw fists with a cheesesteak-loving Philly goon or a bandwagoning New Yorker. Just head out to your local (and not-so-local) pub and badmouth your target’s preferred pizza crust or terrible public transportation system. You’ll be reminiscing about throwing blows in the stadium parking lot in no time!
If You Enjoy: Punters
You Should Try: Rockettes
(Photo: Fox Photos / Hulton Archive | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
For those of us who like punting (and who doesn’t?), a trip to the theater could satisfy your hunger for high-kicking. Not only that, but you can check the “date night” box with the spouse as well; two birds, meet this stone. Just control your urge to try to block the punt, as you might get flagged for it. And by “flagged” we mean arrested for assault and battery.
If You Enjoy: Head Injuries
You Should Try: Pretending to Like Baseball
(Photo: Lambert / Getty Archives | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
Before pitchers start to wear those crazy padded hats, you might be able to grab just a few more concussions to satiate your almost unending thirst for human suffering! But get your kicks in now, before football players start to wear these Great Gazoo helmets. Also, Joe Buck will be there too.
If You Enjoy: Drinking on Sundays
You Should Try: Easter
(Photo: FPG / Taxi Collection / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
Not that you need too much of an excuse to belly up to the bar on Sunday (why do you think we invented “brunch?”), but football was always the best excuse to go liver-deep on the Lord’s Day. Well, we’re just a few months away from the holiday that expects you to be throwing back the cocktails. So what if they’re mimosas – they still get you there.
If You Enjoy: Football
You Should Try: Cryogenically Freezing Yourself
(Photo: TEK Image / Columbia Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
You can do all of the above, but it won’t make the sweet, sweet gridiron game come back any faster. If you’re really dedicated to your squad though, why not go the way of Ted Williams and put yourself on ice – literally – until your favorite sport comes back. If you’re short on the hundreds of thousands of dollars that it costs to cryogenically freeze yourself, just go ahead and jump into a bathtub of ice water – it’s exactly the same thing*.
*It is most definitely not the same thing.