How To Tell If You Should Celebrate Kicking Someone In The Face
It’s trickier than you might think.
On Tuesday night, FX’s The Ultimate Fighter showed one of the most brutal TV beatdowns of all time (or since this one, at least). The recipient, Adam Cella, received a spinning back kick to the face – with a sound of foot-on-skull that would make Jean-Claude Van Damme piss in his silk boxers – and didn’t regain consciousness for around six minutes (it was a further three before they managed to get him into an ambulance). The man responsible for said beatdown, Uriah Hall (who also sent his last opponent, Andy Enz, to the hospital after breaking his arm with – surprise! – a devastatingly powerful kick) was clearly overjoyed at his victory…for about five seconds. And then – well, see for yourself:
That look when Hall realizes that Cella is still out cold, struggling to breathe? That’s a look shared by all men who think they’ve just done something badass (say, causing a cop car to turn over during a high speed freeway chase) and then realized that, holy shit, that was so badass it’s actually going to result in a jail term (say, causing a cop car to turn over during a high speed freeway chase). To avoid the confusion displayed by Hall, we’ve compiled the following handy checklist to see whether or not you should be celebrating kicking someone’s head off.
Q: Did you just kick someone in the face?
A: If yes, celebrate. If no, try again.
Q: Was that person a legitimate opponent, an arch nemesis or just, like, a total dick?
A: If yes, continue to celebrate. If no, you should probably question why you just kicked that person in the face, possibly while running away.
Q: When you kicked that person in the face, did it make a noise like twin suns exploding inside a sack of wet body parts?
A: If no, celebrate. If yes, you have almost certainly killed him. Do not celebrate – it will make you look bad when they play the video at your trial.
Q: Do the people around you look amazed, or do they look like they’re going to throw up everything they ate for the last four days?
A: If the former, celebrate and accept offers of drinks from people who both admire and fear your deadly feet. If the latter, immediately begin to pull the same expression in the hope that people will think it wasn’t actually you that did it.
Q: Does the person you kicked in the face appear to be beaten, but basically okay?
A: If yes, celebrate. If no, panic and try not to think about whether there’s room to do a sweet-ass spinning back kick inside a 6′ x 8′ prison cell.
Hope you all found that helpful. And remember – as always, please enjoy kicking people in the face responsibly.