Oh Hell Yeah It’s Train Simulator 2013!

It’s finally here! The greatest game ever made! Also! Possible sarcasm!

It’s finally here! The greatest game ever made! Also! Possible sarcasm!

Look it’s like trains and shit ZOMG!

If you thought Train Simulator 2012 was the height of choo-choo entertainment, you’re about to get slapped upside the head with some steam-powered, rail-ridin’, coal-firin’ fun!


To get the most out of Train Simulator 2013, you should have one to three years of Railroad College on your resume. But an associate’s degree in Thomas the Tank studies should get you out of the station without killing your passengers. While gameplay consists of getting your train and its riders from point A to point B, mini-games that you can invent in your brain like “Let’s just press all the buttons,” “I wonder what’s on Judge Judy right now?” and “I wish I could figure out how to make trains hit each other” are great diversions from the main quest of figuring out how to brake.

Grade: 13/15 Unicorns

It took us 415 gaming hours to unlock this shade of yellow. TOTALLY WORTH IT.


While we tested ’13 on a computer with the graphical power of a potato, the visuals stood out as perhaps the greatest ever in any form of entertainment. Trains are replicated with life-life precision. There appears to be four, maybe even five different character models (“khaki pants” guy really shines in HD)! Background environments glimmer with small details, like cars on highways, overcast skies, and crushing urban blight on the NYC to Philadelphia route.

Grade: 21.7

Not gonna lie, we only got past this part with the help of an online walkthrough. Turned out we just had to “go straight”.


Authentic whistles, door-closing sounds, and that nostalgic “chugga-chugga chugga-chugga” teleport you from your living room to the belly of a multicar monster. Even the screech of the wheels as you push your train to unsustainable speeds of 60, 70, sometimes even 80 mph(!) is as real as it gets.

Grade: 67 stars

OH MY GOD IS THERE GOING TO BE A COLLISON AND DEATH AND – oh, no. No collision. That’s good.


We’re not ashamed to say we had to change our underwear five times in just one sitting of Train Simulator 2013. You’ll spend so much time with this title, prepare to seriously…derail [editor’s note: boom, fucking nailed it] your productivity!

Final Score: ∞

Not dumb enough for you? Try this week’s movies (reviewed by dogs).

Or, yeah, you could just look at pictures of hot women. That’s okay, too.