What Movie Should You See This Weekend? Ask A Dog!
Our movie-previewing pooches tackle 21 And Over, Jack The Giant Slayer, and Phantom.
Our movie-previewing pooches tackle Jack The Giant Slayer, 21 And Over, and Phantom.
Out March 1, Rated PG-13
Photo Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
“Pretty sure there’s not much more to know here beyond ‘dude called Jack slays giants’, but this looks like a fun, action-packed, special-effects extravaganza with a sense of humor, which sounds like a reason to buy a ticket to me. As a small dog, I’m especially keen to get tips on how to murder larger animals. That Great Dane down the street has been fucking asking for it for too long now.”
“The funny thing here is, the trailer begins by saying, ‘You think you know the story!’ Which assumes an awful lot – I’d bet a good number of dog biscuits on the fact that most people have absolutely no idea what the story of Jack the giant slayer is (unless I’ve completely misread the general public and everyone’s actually very familiar with 18th Century Cornish fairy tales?) Ah well. It looks fun enough, and as possibly the only guy in the world who didn’t completely hate director Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns, I’m happy to give this a go.”
“THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT GIGANTISM – I HAD AN UNCLE ONCE WHOSE BUTTHOLE GREW TO THE SIZE OF A FILING CABINET! ACTUALLY, NOW I THINK ABOUT IT, THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.”
Out March 1, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of Relativity Media
“A movie about a group of guys getting completely wasted on their 21st birthday from the guys who wrote The Hangover? That sounds…actually it sounds like we’ve seen it before, but fuck it, those guys really delivered the first time out, so count me in. Honestly, the “getting down” joke in the trailer sold me by itself. That said, I’m not ordinarily a fan of the phrase “get down”, since it’s normally what people say to me when I’m on the couch.”
“For anyone who wanted more Hangover but were disappointed by the already-exhausted sequel (and this year’s looming third installment), this is probably the exact shot in the arm you’re looking for. It’s a well-worn premise – college kids go drinking, things get crazy – but it looks like they’ve still wrung a lot of good jokes from it (providing they aren’t all in the trailer). I don’t really understand the attraction of getting drunk for humans – what’s the point of doing something that makes you throw up if you’re not even going to eat it afterwards?”
“PEOPLE THINK IT’S WEIRD WHEN THEY WAKE UP ON THEIR BACK IN A FIELD WITH NO IDEA HOW THEY GOT HERE. IT HELPS TO LOOK AT IT THIS WAY – IT WOULD BE TOTALLY NORMAL IF YOU WERE A HORSE.”
Out March 1, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of RCR Distribution
“This flick about a submarine captain forced into a classified mission by a rogue KGB group sounds ok on paper, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is even trying to do a Russian accent. Also, sorry Hollywood, but nobody is buying David Duchovny as a credible threat to Ed Harris. Duchovny’s a charming motherfucker, but I’ve fought squirrels who looked tougher than him.”
“Here’s the thing with submarine movies. You can either embrace the confined space and claustrophobia, making it almost a character in itself, as Wolfgang Petersen did in the excellent Das Boot. Or you can do whatever it takes to shoot as much of the movie as possible outside the confines of said submarine and thereby build a passable action thriller, such as The Hunt For Red October. This doesn’t look like it’s successfully managed either, which is a worrying sign. I suspect this will get boring very quickly, despite Ed Harris’ best efforts. Ah well, I have to go now – I have a ‘depth charge’ of my own to drop in the neighbor’s back yard.”
“MEH…I’M NOT INTO SUBMARINES. I LIKE HELICOPTERS! THEY HAVE THINGS ON TOP THAT SPIN SO FAST THEY’RE CAPABLE OF MANGLING AN ALBATROSS!”