Call us superficial, but these videos better have damn good personalities.
It would take an army of staffers to review the billions of fitness DVDs on the market. But if we only review the cover, we can knock out these reviews without breaking a sweat. And since we’re not actually working out, and had time to kill, we selected some double-features for every type of audience.
For the Man of Action
Krav Maga Personal Protection
First up we have DVD that not only teaches you Krav Maga (or is that guy named Krav Maga?) but it also teaches you how to hover above your opponent. Or maybe Krav is just very tall. And sleepy. He’s so sleepy.
Double Dream Hands
To cool down, relax with John Jacobson and his hands that have two dreams apiece. That’s four dreams total! When not making music/fitness videos, John Jacobson can probably help you find items at a hardware store. Looks the type.
For Those Who Enjoy Nightmares
Meet Sunshine! You may remember Sunshine from Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight, for which she won an Academy Award. Now she’s making fitness DVDs! Clearly aimed at the old and the infirmed, nothing about this cover screams “muscles” aside from Sunshine’s eyes and, presumably, her voice.
Making a face that is both enthused and apologetic, Aerobo Cop is the perfect superhero to help your children workout. Nothing is healthier than a costumed man whose entire role in life is to watch little kids bend.
For Soon-to-be-Divorced Husbands
We feel bad for the star of this Chubby Hubby series, because you just know his wife made him appear in other instructional videos such as “Mow the Lawn, Frank!”, “How to Make Your Husband Watch Stupid, Emasculating Shitty Videos” and “Toilet Seat Neat!” And yet if someone made a “What’s Cookin’, Bride?” video showing a man forcing a woman to cook, that would be sexist. We do like his style though. See that hand in the pocket? You know this guy is awesome, and probably uses the phrase “chill-ax.”
For People Who Giggle at the Word “Naughty”
Totally Nude Yoga and Tai Chi
Nude yoga is porn for people who like to only watch batting practice and not the actual game. Odd that the “totally” nude fitness gurus are fully clothed on the cover, and hide their faces. It’s almost as if they’re embarrassed.
The Bedroom Workout (For Men)
We better not say anything mean, because Andy Troy is a CSCS. (You know what that means, right? RIGHT!?) He’s so manly! You can almost smell the restraining order.
For Those Who Need Help Getting Up
Hey assholes in the back: You’re fucking up! Lean the other way! How do expect this image to lure buyers when the instructions are apparently so difficult that participants do the exact opposite of what they’re told? That said, it’s more interesting than Chair Farming.
The Water Horse Workout
Looking at the box art, we learned the following.
1. A water horse is a short water noodle.
2. It can be used for fitness.
3. It creates pool-filling orgasms.