5 New Year’s Resolutions to Make in the Bedroom

Here’s how to manage your sexpectations for 2016.


Ah, 2016. The year in which we’ll move more, stress less, and pick up one of those adult coloring books your mother keeps raving about, right? Or, more realistically, is this the year we move less, stress more, and trade in the coloring for your true love, Netflix and chill? (Mom will understand.)

You see, it’s important to manage your expectations when prepping for the year ahead so you don’t set yourself for failure. This is including, but certainly not limited to, your sex life. 

So, do yourself a favor and take a minute or five to familiarize yourself with our helpful tips in the way of managing 2016’s sexpectations. Resolve to be mindful of these five tips and we guarantee you’ll be very satisfied with your year ahead.

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1. Take your time: While we’re down with the quickie, take time to understand what your partner likes in bed unless the mood absolutely calls for you to do it in her apartment stairwell. Test and tease to see how her body responds to your actions. Maybe she loves it when you nibble on her nipple, or maybe that face she’s making is actually one of pain and inner turmoil. Feel her out, literally and figuratively, until you’ve caught your stride. Believe us, you’ll know when you’re there. 

Additionally, take your actual fucking time. While screwing like hormone-infested teenagers isn’t always the worst idea, don’t immediately go for the ol’ jackhammer move. If you really want to impress her, ease into the motions and keep her wanting more. She’ll appreciate your dedication to the craft and, chances are, you’ll last longer to boot. Win, win. 

2. Don’t make it weird: Remember Point 1? When first getting to know someone sexually, it’s best to keep the whips and chains to yourself until you’ve figured out that’s something she might be into. I once had a friend go home with a guy who busted out The Rabbit the first time they ever slept together. She’s never looked at a vibrator the same way since. The goal is to get her off, not give her nightmares.

3. Never assume: Guys, if you have to ask… she didn’t come. Act like you’ve been there before and work your magic until there is no question about her sexual satisfaction. When you’ve done your job and hit the spot, you will see, hear and feel her body react in orgasm. Trust.

4. Don’t forget about her: While we’re often more than happy to please you, that doesn’t mean you can neglect us. What’s good for the geese is good for the gander, and the gander enjoys orgasms, too. Lend some time focusing solely on her and you’ll appreciate the pay-out in the end.

5. Give a shit: Or at least pretend to. Ask her if she’s picking up what you’re putting down, especially if you’re not sure (see Point 3). Not only will you receive important feedback, but you’ll also encourage her to speak up and tell you what she likes, which will only be beneficial for everyone in the end.

Now get to gettin’!