Here Are 20 Things That Will Definitely Keep You From Getting Laid, According To Actual Women

Listen up, fellas.

woman in bed


In this wild existence we call life, there are few things tougher than keeping a woman happy, because as you already know, women are complex creatures who have preferences and personalities that are much different than men.

And that’s exactly why they get turned the hell off real fast when something you do or say rubs them the wrong way…but the problem is, you have absolutely no idea what the hell went wrong.

To help illuminate this pressing problem, I dug around an “ask reddit” thread titled Ladies of Reddit, what are the things that guys do that they think women will like but they actually hate? and compiled a list of 20 no-nos you should actively avoid to keep from sabotaging your chances of getting laid.

Are you paying attention? Good.

1. “Sending unwanted dick picks. Urgh. There’s been quite a few guys who were soooo close to meeting me for a date…then they show me a goddamned dick pic.

“Then they’re all confused when I cancel the date and stop talking to them.”

2. “I hate how some guys think that saying “you’re not like other girls” is a compliment. Other women are awesome, and hating on women in general is not attractive.”

3. “Wearing button shirts with flames on them.”

In other words, women do not want to go to Flavortown. Sorry.

4. “Jack rabbit sex. When the guy is just pounding away at you fast. Basically using you like a masturbation device.”

5. “Shower in cologne. There is too much of a good thing, and that includes good scents.”

No woman to be around a man who smells like he went swimming in a vat of Paco Rabanne, so you might want to take a quick peek at these cologne commandments to make sure your fragrance game is on point.

6. “Acting all hyper-macho manly. Seriously, I want a guy I can go out and chill with, not one that tried to pick fights because some dude looked at me.”

7. “Cunnilingus with tons of tongue-flicking on the bean. Please, slow down. Easy, broad pressure.”

8. “I hate it when a guy offers a massage but just ends up groping me instead. Like, dude relax, I will fuck you ok? But can you please give me a massage first because my shoulders hurt and I just know that I’m going to get stuck giving you a 30 min BJ later with no reciprocation, so please let me have this.”

9. “When a guy says “I’m a good guy” or “trust me” within first meeting them. Red flags.”

Do NOT play the “nice guy” card. I repeat: Do not do that. Ever.

10. “When a guy just shoves it in and starts going to town in a choppy rhythm, solely focused on his own orgasm, assuming the mere act of sex alone is enough for the lady, cumming, then calling it.”

11. “When guys say things like “Haha, I’m going to tell our kids that one day” or “our kids will love this.”

“Um, what? This usually happens in the early flirting stages, really destroys the whole mood.”

12. “Insult another woman’s appearance or personality and then following it with a compliment towards me. That’s trash behavior. Never ever insult another in an effort to impress someone.”

13. “Talk about their gym routine, or the fact that they go to the gym. No one gives a shit.”

14. “Stuff like “hey beautiful” or calling me something similar in general when we just met. Like, dude, I’m not going to sleep with you just because you called me pretty.”

15 . “Pinching my nipples like alligator clips. Pain is good in moderation and done right. This isn’t it.”

16. “Please don’t buy me an $8 stuffed bear from CVS for Valentine’s Day. I’ll feel obligated to keep it for sentimentality, but it’s just junking up the place.”

Yeah…she wants something juuust a little more thoughtful and useful than that.

17. “Staring at me while i’m at the gym. Please stop. I’m not flattered. Divert your male gaze elsewhere.”
-Deleted User

18. “Women hate it when you fart excessively.”

Honestly, though. Everyone farts, but there’s a difference between gently and politely expelling gas, and being that gross guy who farts too much and laughs about it.  

“Haha babe I just farted.”

19. “Mad fingering. Slow down. That shit is sensitive.”

20. “Having a quickie and then rolling off and falling asleep with no reciprocation.”