Getting cheated on sucks, and it will never not suck. No matter what, it’s going to hurt like a bitch if your girlfriend hooks up with your neighbor, your best friend, or anyone else besides you.
However, it definitely sucks a lot less if you know how to recognize red flags, and have an idea of when you’re at risk of getting your heart ripped out and shit on.
Thanks to the wonderful world of science, we’re now able to identify potential cheaters and when they might strike, so that you can know exactly (well, approximately) when your significant other might start toying with the idea of sleeping with another man behind your back.
Here's a round-up of warning signs that you're about to get cheated on.
1. She’s in her 30s
Yeah, this is pretty vague, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean all 30-somethings are cheaters. But before you write this off, let me hit you with some one major clinical fact and try to convince you to beware of 30-somethings.
A recent study by extramarital cheating site Victoria Milan, which is basically the cousin of Ashley Madison, found that the average age women cheat is 36.6, which should be reason enough for you to be convinced. You should always trust the numbers from cheating sites.
2. Her age ends with 9
Another study by cheating site IllicitEncounters.com found that people are most likely to cheat on their partners when their age ends with a nine (29, 39, 49, etc.), which means they’re at the end of a decade of their life, and about to enter a new one.
And as you might guess, that probably means they’re freaking the fuck out about getting old, and therefore cheat to relieve some sort of aging crisis.
3. You’ve been together for seven years
Guess what? The same study found that a lot of marriages go to shit after seven years of blissful romance and harmony, probably because seven years is approximately how long it takes her to get bored of you and curious for other flavors of peen.
So, yeah. If you’ve been together for seven-ish years, watch yourself.
4. She fakes orgasms
I’m going to go ahead and pull some statistics out of my ass right now, and I’m going to estimate that nine out of ten women have faked an orgasm during sex at some point in their lives. I might be a smidge off, but I’m sure the actual number is something close to that. Sorry, fellas.
To make matters worse, a team of researchers discovered that women who fake orgasms fairly often are those who cheat on their boyfriends left and right. Yikes.
If you're suspicious that your girlfriend fake-orgasms more often than not, you might be in trouble for two reasons:
1) You're not as good at sex as you initially thought.
2) Shes probably cheating on you.
5. She has a cat
We previously established that cats suck, so I wasn’t that shocked when I found out that cat owners are far more likely to cheat than dog owners.
Actually, I wasn’t shocked at all. On a scale of 1 to earth-shatteringly shook, I’m at a 0. We all know what crazy cat ladies can be like.
In one sample of cheaters that Illicit Encounters looked at, 25 percent owned cats, as opposed to only a teeny tiny 10 percent who owned dogs. So, yeah. If she owns a cat (or just really, really loves cats) you might want to be a little cautious.
6. She likes rock music
As a fan of rock music, this one personally makes me sad. Another study conducted by extramarital affair site Victoria Milan found that people who love rock music more than any other genre are most likely to cheat on their partner. Why? I don’t know. Maybe the whole rebellious vibe of rock rubs off on us...?
7. She's a broker, a banker, or a flight attendant
A massive survey of 5,658 ladies who are currently cheating on their partners found that 65 percent said they cheat at work, which means your girlfriend might be having a hearty side of salami with her salad for lunch, if you know what I mean.
The survey found that the biggest cheaters in the entire professional industry are financial brokers, bankers, and flight attendants, probably because client relationships are very important.
Apparently, a whopping 42 percent of female users on the site were of the blonde variety (though I'm not sure if they’re natural blondes…), making them the greater majority.
If any blonde ladies out there feel offended right now, let me ease the blow by offering the following statement: The second biggest cheaters were redheads, followed by brown-haired, and then black-haired women. I feel like that covers the entire spectrum, so no need to feel personally attacked. But then again, this is a study conducted by something called "Cheaterville," so take it with a few pounds of salt.